midnight rambles

10 reasons why i’m still here

2011-11-27T22:29:00.001+08:00

every month/week/day, i say i can’t take it anymore. yet, i never walk out, i always show up the next day, i end up finishing the month’s rotation. why? ten reasons.

1. family. you feed me. you nurse me back to health. you help me do literature searches. you fit party schedules around my duty schedule. you wait for me patiently while i finish my rounds. you listen when i whine. you cheer when i succeed. you hold me while i cry. whatever happens, come hell or high water, i know i can always come home to you. i will never disappoint you.

2. peanut. i will give you your shots as your pediatrician even if i have to crawl through fire to get my DPPS.

3. batch mates. i love you guys too much to leave you with one less member. it sucks that we slowly get whittled down as the year goes by. it would be so easy to follow suit – to just leave one day and never look back, except it’s not.

4. batch friends (you know who you are). you almost make brp-ing fun. almost.

5. barkada. you never see me, but you’re always there when i need you. i am selfish. you are selfless. thank you.

6. seniors. i know the older batches keep telling you that you’re too nice. it’s not a bad thing. you encourage us to stay. you inspire us to take the higher road when we’re tried and frustrated . you make us want to be nice just like you. thanks for an awesome year. you will be missed.

7. patients. it is my duty to make you better. learning from you is an honor. i will not leave you in another’s hands.

8. PGH. the system sucks. the human/material resources are severely lacking. i can make it better. i know i can. and for that, i’m staying.

9. character. i am not a quitter.

10. my Father. Your will be done.

happiness is

2011-05-01T13:58:00.000+08:00

"i was admitted in the hospital for three days because of a high-grade fever that just won't go away. there's no way i'm going to subic."

my dear batchmate replies with a gentle scolding for my not sleeping and not eating, hence, my illness. it's the same old song since ward 9, NICU and pay, and i'm still not sleeping, still not eating.

and surprise, i'm still not happy.

it's been 4 months since i hopped on the pedia train, but i've been standing in line for a ticket since i was ten. why pedia? because i love kids! wrong. because kids love me! wrong again. why pedia? correct answer. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA.

so am i happy? no. will i ever be happy? i hope so. the people in the department are terrific. the patients inspire me to stay. but the feeling of being miserable, trapped, scared, frustrated doesn't go away. it sometimes hides behind that feeling of accomplishment when you send a once toxic patient home, when your senior praises you for something, when you pass a difficult exam, when your patient's mother comes to see you and thanks you profusely for simply doing your job.

but at the end of the day, as i look back on everything wonderful that has happened, the sadness returns. and it gets harder and harder to overcome as the days go on.

the twilight zone

2011-03-23T22:55:00.002+08:00

write down room number, case number, name, age... waitaminute, she's 30? check birthdate. 1980. yep, that checks out. which doesn't really help the situation. i'm a damn pediatrician (or training to be one sigh). why do i have a 30-year-old patient? "she's 30?" i ask the nurse in confusion. she nods as if everything is right in the world. bewildered (and maybe a bit suspicious), i check for any people toting video cameras, ready to pop out screaming, "you've been punkd!" nope. i confirm the age again, as if asking repeatedly would remedy the situation. yes, m'dear, she's still 30, you're still a pediatrician, and SHE'S STILL BEING REFERRED TO YOU. so i did the most logical thing, i asked for the weight.

because even though she's 30, i'm still a damn pediatrician.

i knock on the patient's door, and request an interview because this peculiar referral must be explained. justified. "she's eating," the friend says apologetically. "maybe we can postpone it until after lunch?" i comply. i exit, still confused. i see the tcvs fellow. i confirm the referral, and he's just as confused. i ask about the case. he hasn't interviewed her yet. stuck, i head back to the callroom just in time to run into my senior and tell him about this reallyreallyreally weird referral. he gives me this strange look and asks me if i misread/misheard the age. i do my best not to look insulted. (i think i failed)

so after explaining everything, and checking the chart, the situation sinks in. an adult with an unknown heart disease for a possible cardiac-related procedure was referred to the pediatric service. "do i have to do a pediatric history on her?" i ask my senior. "what if her mom's not there? she probably won't know if she was born via SVD or CS. would she know if she was breastfed?" "how do you dose aspirin in adults again?" he shoots back. "clopidogrel? what about the developmental history? mommy... what can you do? run up and down the stairs? stack three blocks? ride a bicycle?" we're collapsing in laughter by this time. the nurses are looking at us like we're nuts, but the stuff keeps pouring out. "what about HEADSSS?" and we start running down the questions when my senior freezes and goes, "what's her murmur?" "no idea," i answer. "i haven't even talked to her yet." i won't hear it!" he panics. "my steth is too small!" we laugh some more until i feel the familiar breathlessness associated with an asthma exacerbation. "fluids at full maintenance?" "one liter to run for 8 hours," he answers. "it's easier for them." "but we're pedia," i whine like a brat. "i joined pedia because i don't want to manage adults. adults annoy me." i whine some more. we guffaw at more pedia jokes. in the end, we inform our consultant about the referral, and i go on duty.

hours later, the cardio fellow tells me that the patient's asthma might be acting up. she suggests a referral to a pulmo consultant.

a pedia pulmo consultant.

i start cracking up again. this day was just too weird.

one week

2011-03-12T23:06:00.006+08:00

sunday: half-day! serendra! fully booked! cupcakes! sleep! why can't all weekends be like this?

monday: er audit missed. hurricane rounds. alone. duty. intubation threat? deferred, thank God. admissions. dinner at freakin' one-thirty am. toxic?

tuesday: sleep? not. don't remember much.

wednesday: wore cute dress because i'm pre and i can. the dawn on ipod on the way to work. (hey, i'm typing longer stuff) rounds rounds rounds. *did not* sedate my patient. sigh. skipped lunch. (what's new?) last minute admission. fell asleep on the couch.

thursday: duty. the clash this time. and xtc. senior's back. yay! sick of pain. asked for help. iv insertion rounds. (one shot, one shot, three. damn.) shrimpless chinese food for dinner (food tastes better when it's free).

friday: no rounds. (sorry!) percutaneous pulmonary balloon valvuloplasty. 2 hours. tried not to fall asleep because interventional cardio is cool. late lunch, but s'cool. baby tolerates feeding, yay! went shopping.

saturday: dressed up (again) because 1. it's saturday, 2. i'm pre, and 3. because i freaking can. note to self: ditch the white coat. it works. headaches and seizures. donations (thanksverymuchweluvyoulikewhoa). eastwood. saw cousins, yay! ate tons, boo! now reading juliet, naked. and wasting your time with this.

my life according to the eraserheads

2010-12-18T23:25:00.001+08:00

Instructions: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat song titles. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)"

so much fun, though i was actually forced to use my brain to recall a few choice lines. i think i came up with a healthy mix of popular and not-quite. kaso yun lang, it's still ely-dominated because he did write the most number of songs. (excuses… i know, but i insist i like all of them equally, except buddy <3) anyway, eheads fans out there (and i know there's a lot of you), which of these songs do you know?

Are you male or female?
kananete (kasi uh... hindi ako kaliwete, if you know what i mean)
sino sino sino ba ang nagsabing tao ka?

Describe yourself:
julie tearjerky
nothing stays the same. nothing stays the same.
no happiness, no loveliness, no emptiness.
it wasn't here before.

How do you feel?
maselang bahaghari
akala ko ay cool ako, may ulap na sa ulo.

Describe where you currently live:
downtown
anywhere is a twenty-minute ride, on and on in the sea of feedback.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
wishing wells
where everything starts out once upon a time long, long ago,
and ends happily ever after.

Your favorite form of transportation:
overdrive
magda-drive ako buong taon. magda-drive ako habang buhay.
magda-drive ako hanggang… eeeeeeooowrrrrrrrrr…
buwan. ;)

Your best friends are:
milk n' money. lolz. no wait, i'm kidding.
lightyears
doesn't really matter where you are. it always seems so very far.
it's like you're lightyears away, you're lightyears away,
from me.

Your favorite color is:
pula (walang asul eh :()
wag nang isipin. wag nang ipitin. wag nang ulitin.
makakalimutan ba ang mga alaala
dala ng araw na pula?

What's the weather like?
shadow
i'll wait for the sun to shine on the one
who never disagrees.

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?
kahit ano
o walang alam sa sayaw ng panahon.
di pa rin masakyan ang kwento.

What is life to you?
fine time
why not swim in someone's pool.
jump a crane twelve stories high.
have picnic in my room.
stay outside and watch the moon.

Your current relationship:
huwag mo nang itanong
parang sweepstakes, ang hirap manalo.
isang mahabang pilang mabagal, at walang katuturan.
ewan ko.

Breaking up:
game, tama na!
tama na ang malian. tama na ang pintuan.
just forget it about it. i'm so sick and tired of it.
ang nakalipas, it's over na.

Looking for:
ligaya
ilang ulit pa ba ang uulitin?

Wouldn’t mind:
alkohol
lumiliwanag, dumidilim, bumabait, tumatapang.
umiikot ang tingin,
utak mo'y kinakalawang.

Your fear:
futuristic
pumikit lang nang sandali,
abril na nung ako'y magising.

What is the best advice you have to give?
peace it together
basag ipagdikit-dikit, pusong punit-punit.

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
toyang
pagkat siya'y simple lamang.

Thought for the Day:
old-fashioned christmas carol
honey, we don't care.
we're here to sing the staples, old-fashioned christmas carols.

here we go again.

How I would like to die:
with a smile
you'll get by if you smile.
you can never be too happy in this life.

My motto:
shake yer head
you should know, you shouldn't take all that dog food that they make.
you'd just as soon as put yourself on a stake and burn.
you'll see it comin' around.
when you see it coming around, you just… yeah,
shake yer head and walk away!

and my geekiness is revealed… song tally coincidentally reflects my album preferences.

natin 99: 4 songs

cutterpillow: 3

circus: 3

ultraelectromagneticpop!: 3

fruitcake: 3

sticker happy: 2

aloha milkyway: 2

carbon stereoxide: 1

except that natin should be in the third spot because the two c's are still my top favorites, though i don't mind all that much. it's a really good album if you listen closely.

thus ends my entry. i encourage you to try this yourself! \m/

not-quite ennui

2010-09-01T10:15:00.001+08:00

because all work and no play makes tara a very dull girl.

since the boards flew by like a hurricane, i’ve plunged into several time-consuming activities to keep myself from falling over from extreme boredom (which i truly hate with a passion, more than toxicity).

books: yes, i’ve decided to pick up my original hobby. i just finished this depressing book, the subterraneans. it's classic beat lit – dark themes, rambling sentences (punctuations, what are those?), a whole lot of purple prose. i found the writing style confusing (had to reread a few paragraphs to really get what he meant), but liked the story. it was so sad, so haunting. i felt myself yearning to have my heart broken like him because from his writing, it seemed so beautiful. oo, baliw ako.

music: pop music just doesn’t seem to cut it these days. my playlist has gone back several decades – back when minutes-long instrumentals still made me smile, and the heartfelt lyrics felt just right. i started with 80s/90s hair rock (mr. big, bon jovi, kiss, van halen), then eventually gravitated to british rock/punk with the who, xtc, belle and sebastian, and the clash. i swear i have this ridiculous crush on paul gilbert because his riffs make me cry. yikes, now i really think i've gone mad.

tv: it’s not tv, per se. it’s actually more of tv shows from torrents. glee ended too soon, so i had to find other shows to keep me company. i watched a few avatar eps (and joined the zutara ship, eep) for the movie, but eventually decided to skip it because everyone i asked told me it sucked. it’s okay though, the cartoon was cool. i still watch naruto with the brother. i love the father-son moments! recently, i’ve started this insane gilmore girls marathon (all seven seasons, i hope) because of this girl-crush on alexis bledel. in the middle of season two, i’m again reminded why i *heart* milo ventimiglia. omg, jess is still my favorite out of rory’s boyfriends. i want my own jess!

cooking: yes, i cook now. and i manage not to burn the unit down either. mom has taught me a few dishes like adobo, sinigang, nilaga, stirfry (the easiest), shabu-shabu, and sukiyaki. the skills were put to the test when she and dad flew off to australia for a conference and some site-seeing. wow, i was left in the kitchen in my lonesome. but but but… i successfully fed my brother and myself with delicious (yes, it was good) food for a week. i even experimented on banana and peanut butter pancakes for the heck of it. yum!

writing: the words are coming out easier than they used to. i’ve written so much stuff in such a short amount of time. however, due to the personal tone of most of my stuff, none of it’s coming out for public consumption. it’s fine, though. i mostly write for me, after all. i’m a very selfish person. ;)

tara, md

2010-08-30T19:25:00.000+08:00

exactly four years ago, i was curled up in the couch of the condo’s lobby, filling my head with a-waves and oxygen dissociation curves when a group of medical graduates ran past me screaming in delight. the medical board results had just been released, and they’d found out via cellphone (ah, technology) that they passed. i can still remember the pang of jealousy i felt as i quietly observed their merry-making . there i was, barely into med school, when these three people had already officially become licensed doctors. the end of med school seemed so far away.

now, four years later, it’s here. i’m in their place, jumping nonstop for 30 minutes while screaming myself hoarse (in the privacy of our unit, of course). after bathing myself in that pungent mixture of formaldehyde and rotting flesh, after slaving away at my desk to make sense of (in vain) hundreds of chapters of textbooks, after not flunking endless exams, after inserting a million intravenous lines, after (im)patiently interviewing and examining every pgh patient assigned to me, after going on duty every freakin’ 3 days (unless i’m forced to slide, or, gulp, go on 48-hr duty), after every stumble, every misadventure, every mistake, it’s over. i graduated. i passed. i'm finally, finally, finally a doctor.

and i’ve never been more terrified in my life.

tara's upcm-pgh top ten - part 2

2010-04-27T20:55:00.004+08:00

alrighty, #s 6 to 10, here we go...

6. most toxic duty

  this has to be that fateful day in august when we went on duty in the ob admitting section. we examined patients non-stop for 24 hours. we had no wink of sleep, had nothing per orem except a few sips of water, had 2 intubated patients, ran one code, had no time to sit, and no bathroom privileges. at the end of our duty, we realized we also had oliguria. acute renal failure, duty-induced, ftw!

honorable mention: pedia er duty with only two interns and an intermittent reliever (bwisit siya). you can just imagine the toxicity. 

 7. best “good patient care moment”

i think i blogged about this years ago. in LU 5, i had a patient who had abdominal enlargement. at that time, i was a clueless 3rd-year medical student who did not know that her case was ascites, most likely malignant, secondary to a probable ovarian cancer. all i did at that time was interview her, collect a pap smear specimen (which turned out to be very painful for her), and endorse her to an intern because i was late for an sgd. hours later, we ran into each other somewhere near ward 16. after exchanging hellos, she thanked me for all my efforts earlier. after a good cry, i thanked God for teaching me an important lesson in patient care.

honorable mention: upon hearing that i was on duty until the following morning, my patient’s watcher went to jollibee and came back with dinner – for me. wow. 

8. most septic moment

a few months ago, during my SOD days, i was decked a partial gut obstruction patient. while inserting an ngt, he emptied his stomach contents all over me. furious, i stalked to our station to grab my keys. i needed to change into clean clothes stat. our dear SOD resident made a funny face at me and asked me what that disgusting smell was. with a wry smile while gesturing at my vomitus-flavored scrubs, i told her it was me.

honorable mention: my only lrdr duty in LU 5. after delivering the baby’s head, a gush of amniotic fluid and blood poured all over my newly-purchased crocs, soaking them, me multi-colored socks and my poor, tired feet. disgusting.

 9. best duty team

  service 6, hands down. reunion with former blockmates ed and mel? check. being JI to tin's japod? haha. check. two amazing clerks, dee and ching? check. the best, most fun residents who love to eat out? check. awesome rotating interns marguerite and john? check. non-stop partying no matter what the status? check check check!  

honorable mention: the toxic tetrad of joy (reyna ng katoxican), geno (hari sa reyna ni joy), rj (ssssslackyyyyy) and me (hindi ssssslackyyyyy haha). it was fun guys. kayo lang ang nagpakain sa akin sa mess hall, at nagturo sa aking okay lang tumambay as kabilang ward basta mag-iwan ng number. in other words, mga BI kayo! :P  

 10. best block

most fun block (meaning least grade conscious): block b.
best in extracurricular activities: block 7. kumpleto pa with girls’ night out dinner.
most hardworking: block 9. sa sobrang sipag, hindi na tayo nakapag-beach. kamusta naman ang surf, sand and sea? :P
most BI: block t. mga salbahe kayo! dahil sa inyo, makulay na ang aking personal and social history.

obviously, i’m biased. ;)

tara's upcm-pgh top ten - part 1

2010-04-26T22:48:00.004+08:00

it's hard to summarize all that has happened in 5 years in a single post. hence, i won't even bother. this will be the first of a slew of posts inspired by sentimentality because apparently, i'm brimming with it.  

first up, tara's upcm-pgh top ten - part 1

  1. most memorable small-group discussion 
as upcm students, we very quickly get sick of these.

  the 7:00 am sgd on diabetes mellitus with... MALA. yikes. the lethal combination of lack of breakfast, the complicated subject matter, early time, the north pole-ish temperature of the room, and the consultant proved to be... well, lethal. we were all shaking in our seats as we attempted to answer each question the best we could. nothing we said was deemed... sufficient. we learned a lot that morning - from history-taking, to writing the primary impression. in a way, it was a good thing we had the MALA experience... but once is enough thankyouverymuch.  

honorable mention: our sgd with dr. _____ wherein he lambasted our group for dividing the work. he spent more time scolding us than teaching us about history-taking. and as if that wasn't enough, he demanded that out group be re-assigned to him for the next sgd. back for seconds?

  2. most difficult exam

  written: first patho exam during LU 4. i passed it, but only after reading more than 10 chapters of robbins. yuck!

  practical: LU 5 grand osce. tama bang aralin ang physical exam ng lahat ng rotations? then perform it in one afternoon?!  

3. best lecture  

way back in LU 5, after the module exam, dr. _____ gave a summary lecture about the topics covered. it was only then that all the previous lectures started to make sense. after he finished, my seatmate turned to me, asking, "why was this lecture given just now?" i probably would have done better in the exam if he did give it earlier, but it didn't matter at that point. that lecture inspired me to be two things: a cardiologist (which the lecturer was) and a teacher.

  honorable mention: dr. _____'s lecture on anatomy, because he made it fun with jokes, stories, and... fine, maybe the firecrackers helped a bit too.  

4. most humiliating moment

  in LU 4, we had a practical exam on cardio physical examination. my case was a PDA (an adult). i should have heard a continuous murmur, but only heard a systolic murmur. in my defense, as a student who heard only a few murmurs in my life, i was expected to distinguish this so soon? well, my consultant was very unhappy with my answer, and yelled at me in disbelief because i did not hear a continuous murmur. with tears threatening to pour down my cheeks, i listened again. my ears were pounding with humiliation so i heard no continuous murmur, no murmur, and no heart sounds for that matter. trying desperately to sound confident, i informed him i heard it. then, i ran to the next station.  

5. best phl  

our very first phl in LU 3 was about family planning. being enthusiastic, clueless freshmen, we put on our grandest show complete with props, backdrops, a contest with prizes, and several song and dance numbers. years after, i still remember how the mothers of ward 15 stared at us as if we were all nuts.

part 2 (#s 6-10) to follow.

let's take over blogger

2010-04-02T13:35:00.003+08:00

a good friend of mine (whom i have no respect for haha) messaged me on facebook this morning inviting me to join her masterplan of making blogger a hit again. thinking about my pathetic blog sitting untouched for several months with only spam messages for "recent activity," i readily agreed. now... what to write about?

probably not about these stupid rumors going around that our university graduation is going to be canceled in the light of protests, noise barrages, and mass LOAs.

probably not about how facebook is limiting my creative writing to two poorly-constructed sentences all written in third person.

probably not about how the near future scares me, how all my carefully thought-out plans are crumbling before my very eyes.

probably not about how i recently just made a fool out of myself, and how i'm still convincing myself to not regret doing it.

probably not about how i absolutely dread the day when my newly-found and my oldest friends, and i will finally go our separate ways.

probably not about how self-reflection made me realize how much i've changed, and how i don't really like the person that i've become.

sigh. probably not any of those things.

caring

2009-11-24T00:08:00.001+08:00

i have three patients. the first one is this man in his early thirties with a huge rectal mass. the mass obstructs 95% of the rectum. his abdomen grows exponentially in size thanks to the "ascites" which is a complication of the cancer. he can't eat because his gut is obstructed. his stomach bleeds whenever he drinks the smallest amounts of water. he needs several blood transfusions, but he doesn't have enough money for all the processing fees. his brothers have no jobs. surgery refuses to touch him as long as he hasn't been "optimized" for surgery.

the next patient is a 69-year-old woman who has been in the hospital for 47 days. she has been hooked to a ventilator for more than a month. her severely malnourished frame seems inappropriate for her spunky attitude. she waves at me whenever i pass buy. we have conversations consisting of my questions and her wild gestures. they've been trying to wean her several times, but her muscles have become so weak that she can't breathe on her own. imagine, having to rely on a machine to do something as simple, but vital as breathing. it looks like she will be on ventilator support for a very long time - maybe for the rest of her life.

my last patient is 56-year-old woman who has breast cancer. she has been abandoned by her family. as her intern-in-charge, i go to the social service to beg for free labs, go from one administrative officer to the next to have papers signed, wheel her to radiology to have her x-ray taken, nebulize her when coughing becomes too difficult,beg her to eat her lunch, wipe the sweat off her face.

i've never cared for strangers. it exhausts me. but at the end of the day, after failing to answer my residents' questions, after forgetting to update my labflow sheet, after realizing that i suck at co-managing... i go to sleep knowing that i did something right.

for the first time in my entire life, i feel like i'm finally what i've always wanted to be - a doctor.

premature musing

2009-10-21T23:59:00.002+08:00

a little more than 5 years ago, i looked in awe at the interns and residents scrambling about in the hospital. here i was, a student who knew nothing, among a sea of doctors saving lives. five years seemed so far off. but now, my five years are almost up. what have i learned?
1. that you should *always* put the name of the phlebotomist, time, and date of blood extraction on the label of your bloodtyping/crossmatching sample. always.
2. that when you push the standard metal stretcher, the "rotating" wheels should always be in the back. (you eventually figure this out in ob or trauma, whichever come first)
3. that you can write "to follow" on the abg request form if your patient's cbc result isn't in yet (or if you're too lazy to check).
4. that a chest x-ray, 12L ecg, cbc, crea/na/k/cl, urinalysis are free, but bun is 40 bucks, calcium is 20, abg is 85 and pt&ptt is 180 if you're class d.
5. that you should never touch, or heaven forbid, get, a patient's chart at 6 am, 2 pm and 10 pm... unless you want to face the wrath of a postduty nurse.
6. that you can get the pulse and respiratory rate while getting the blood pressure all in less than 10 seconds. (hay, trauma...)
7. that you should put sterile os on the site after inserting a line in a CI patient.
8. that renal, ids, cl psych and caap referrals require special forms which you can find at the renal office (6th floor), ids ofice (2nd floor of er complex), psych callroom (ward 7, submit before 3pm!) and central block pharmacy, respectively.
9. that all the tiny things that i thought were meaningless saved my patient's lives. that despite the silliness of #s 1-8, they allowed my patients to go home.
10. that i will miss class 2010 (plus plus) when we finally go our separate ways. :(

we have six months left. i feel like my life is on fastforward. i'm excited about graduation. i just... don't want this to end yet.

given the chance, i'd go through all of it again.

how i survived (and enjoyed) ob-gyne

2009-09-18T23:34:00.004+08:00

yes, i enjoyed it - as hard it is to believe.

we came from community medicine, the most benign, duty-less, beach-filled rotation in the med school universe. to plunge head-first into ob-gyne - it's exact opposite - is... well, less than thrilling. but what was i to do, right?

it turns out ob *can* be fun. how?

first, get an awesome duty team. for us, it's not a choice. you're assigned groupmates. i was placed in team 3 with geno (someone i've never had a duty with) and joy (the most toxic person on earth second only to glai). needless to say, i was nervous. i'd gotten used to working with other people, namely mel, joseph, kathy, roan, reci, mamer, glai, etc. all of whom were no longer in my block. i never had a single duty with geno despite being his blockmate for 2 years. and joy was... toxic. and we all know that ob + toxic magnet = disaster. plus, we had a senior intern in our team, rj, someone i did not know at all, and a spanking-new batch of clerks: cheska, sara, bin, gen and mac. yikes, shifting dullness for all. but i was wrong. our combination was actually good. my three co-interns and five clerks were so much fun to be with that i actually *GASP* looked forward to duties. despite the toxicity of intubated patients, giant pregnant mommies with obesity 5 (harhar), simultaneously admitting 4 patients, fasting for 24 hours, running codes, i had a lot of fun because we were fun. ob became fun. and i owe it to them. :)

second, make lots of bloopers/jokes, and spend most of your time laughing at them. call a patient's name only to realize that you're screaming her address (i.e. "sino si bocaue, bulacan?"). realize that you're not getting any arterial blood because your palpation of the radial artery is actually compressing it. tell mommy to take off all her "accessories" (meaning jewelry, false teeth, hair clips/ties) before entering the labor room. congratulating your blockmate because "her" pregnancy test turned out positive. asking your patient 20 questions to figure which male intern interviewed her. maitim? maputi? mataba? payat? matangkad? may salamin? wala? gwapo (my fave)? sigh, and somehow, we always get it wrong in the end.

third, play around. dance to "nobody" each time your OOD's phone rings. sing cheesy karaoke songs while on labor watch. ride a wheelchair up and down the obas corridor just for the heck of it. substitute maroon 5 songs for the annoying bell when you get areas of reduced variability. stamp your co-intern's trodat on everything you can get your hands on. talk. always find time to talk about anything and everything, right joy?

fourth, eat. be it during a toxic obas duty, during a ward duty (where we ALWAYS eat lunch, dinner and midnight snacks together), or lrdr duty, we find time to stuff ourselves. never again will we go on a 24-hour fast. ugh.

fifth, make new (and old) friends. i made eight. and even if we've gone our separate ways, we still find time to talk/text/visit.

the jolly clerks: mac, bin, sara, gen, cheska

kulit interns: rj, joy, geno, tara (me!)

thanks guys. you made ob a hell of an experience. shift-out party, anyone? ;)

24-hour fasting blood glucose

2009-08-15T20:43:00.006+08:00

a year ago, i had the worst duty of my young life (in the OB LRDR) where we had 40+ admissions. we had all stopped counting how many patients were decked to each of us. my co-clerks and interns were already screaming in insanity inside the delivery room. the residents didn’t even bother scolding us because they were screaming too, or singing out loud while dancing. i thought nothing could be worse than that duty.

clearly, that was nothing.

come august 14, 2009. the obas duty team consisted of residents dr. lopez and dr. tan, clerks gen and cheska, interns rj, geno, joy, and me. the morning started with non-stop charting because, as we all know, the philippines never runs out of pregnant patients. and incidentally, all of them want to deliver at pgh. *eyeroll* anyway, it was way past lunchtime, the interns stomach’s were growling, and the patients kept coming. “no prob,” i thought. i’ve survived duties without lunch. so I kept charting, my patience i carefully nurtured since commed slowly dissipating in the steaming, thick atmosphere of the OBAS. i kept running back and forth from the labs (circulating!) when i wasn’t charting. by 7 pm, I was already starving, but guess what? more pregnant patients! “guys, kaya natin ‘to!” encouraged geno. then with a sarcastic tone, he reminded, “nangangalahati na tayo.” kalahati pa lang?! eh parang isang taon na akong nandito! sheeeeeeeeeet…

it was a few hours past midnight when i was asked to push a stretcher bearing two huge, pregnant mommies to the imu for tracing. rj gently scolded me for not calling their bantay to help me. oo nga no? sorry boss, mabagal na utak ko nun. hehe. then, more mommies to push and trace for the conduction intern/clerk (ako yun from 1:00 to 6:59 AM). the clerks still haven’t eaten dinner. the interns were running on energy from God knows where because we were still lunch/dinner/snack-less. an intubated patient coded. i did cpr with what little energy i had left. geno looked like he was about to code next. joy squirted blood and ETA on the nurse due to vigorous chest compressing. wahehehe. panalo ka ate. a myasthenia gravis patient in crisis, 18 weeks pregnant was intubated in the OBAS. i still can’t figure out why she was with us and not neuro. my ACR apparently agrees.

5 AM: i still had a handful of mommies to trace. i haven’t had a wink of sleep. my stomach contents were a bottle of c2 and hydrochloric acid. the other interns were still charting. i was silently repeating my mantra: ilang oras na lang…

it was 7 AM and the duty team was still missing. people from inside were calling for the circulating clerk/intern. “sorry kids, post-duty na kami!” we called back, very much drained thanks to 24 hours of torture. i still had to do my IMU admission’s papers and referrals. i arrived at the unit at 9 AM, still hungry (my last meal was 6 AM the previous day), sleepy and oh so stinky. sleepy won out. i collapsed on my bed, dead to the world.

highlights:
1. dr. lopez: nasan na yung mga interns? clerks? bakit wala na akong mautusan?!
intern tara: si cheska po, nasa OR. si gen, nagdala sa perinat. si rj, nag-run ng abg. si joy, nag-conduct. si geno, may pasyente. sir, papunta po ako sa labs ngayon so wala na pong matitira sa OBAS. na-stress si sir. inubos ng buntis ang duty team!

2. tara's ranting
tara (pissed): ang ayaw sa reproductive health bill, ipag-duty natin ng 24 hours sa OBAS. tingnan natin kung hindi magbago isip nila!
dale: *lol*

3. on distinguishing between the two boys
patient 1: lalaki po yung tumingin sa akin.
tara: sino dun? yung maitim o maputi?
patient 1: yung maitim po.
tara + joy: genoooooooo…

patient 2: “hinahanap ko po yung duktor. yung lalaki.”
joy: “alin dun?” (dalawa kasi sila, si geno at si rj.)
patient: “yung ano… gwapo.”
joy: iniisip na si geno siguro yun. “siya ba?” sabay turo kay geno.
patient: “hindi. yung naka-salamin.”
sorry dude, ikaw pala yung hindi gwapo sa duty team natin. bwahahaha!

wasak ang duty team!
[l-r: int. tara (yung masungit), int. joy (yung maliit), int. geno (yung maitim/yung walang bigote/yung hindi gwapo), missing-in-action, senior int. rj (yung maputi/yung may bigote/yung gwapo)] wahahaha! wards na ulit tayo!

how to save a life

2009-05-24T00:54:00.000+08:00

step one: make friends with that adorable little girl with portal hypertension. play fishing, make play-doh food, watch over her while trying to overlook the fact that in a few years, months, her liver will fail her. that her promising life will be cut short, and all you can do is give her happy memories of ward 9.

step two: waive ABGs everyday for a 4-month-old permanently on ventilator support because he can never breathe on his own. listen to his irritating mother unload (i mean it, she gets on everyone's nerves) while monitoring all the q1 and q2 patients because you admire her genuine concern for her baby. because once you get past her constant questioning of how you're managing your patient, you realize that she's losing hope. she has done everything in her power (and ours) to pay for the ventilator, procure all the anibiotics and seizure meds, make sure the labs are done. she says she will never give up on her child, but on mother's day, she was crying softly, saying over and over how hard everything was.

step three: steel yourself as you are left alone in the nursery obas late in the evening with a pre-term twin gestation (with an fdu second twin) on the way. try hard not to panic as you tell your resident over the phone that you have to go because the mother suddenly delivered in the labor room, and that the baby is being brought to the nursery as you speak. try hard not to cry as the baby is placed in front of you - bradycardic, not crying, not moving. try hard not to panic despite the fact that no amount of thermoregulation, tactile stimulation and suctioning will get this baby to cry. remember your resident telling you that bagging the patient is the best you can do if you cannot intubate. heave a huge sigh in relief as the baby starts wailing after bagging.

i'm barely a month into internship, and i feel like so much has happened. thank You, Lord, for never leaving my side.

sa lahat ng mahilig sa labsong at drama

2009-04-20T23:07:00.007+08:00

“hindi ko gets bakit si ely ang pinagkakaguluhan ng mga babae. personally, mas type ko si buddy.” the words spontaneously slipped past my mouth without much thought as the camera panned showing screaming eheads fans holding up signs proclaiming their love for the band’s frontman. i was watching the eraserheads reunion concert on dvd thanks to my generous cousins one night.

watching the concert was like a time machine bringing me more than a decade back to the time of black doc martens, social awkwardness, sweet valley books and superior rock OPM music (sorry kids, it’s true). the eheads were always famous for their controversial but equally relatable lyrics, and melodies that tend to get stuck in your head, with good reason, of course. for me, i always loved how each song is able to tell a story - from the cutesy but sad “tindahan ni aling nena,” to the nostalgic “minsan,” to me personal favorite, the tragic “ang huling el bimbo.” i’ve yet to see a current pinoy band that can come close to what the eheads has done to OPM.

missing both reunion concerts was horrible. who knows when the next reunion will be? never, most probably. my last chance to listen to my favorite band sacrificed for wards 9, 11, 3 and 1. *grumble* oo, duty ako sa pedia at IM noon. on the plus side, watching the video satisfied me to some extent. when i concentrated hard enough, i fooled myself into believing i was among the sweaty crowd, singing along to every song they’d dish out, jumping like a crazed person to ely’s command. insanity FTW. -_-;

apparently, i’m not the only one who thinks that buddy should get more love from the fans. my cousin prefers him too. maybe it’s the clean look? the fact that he plays bass? another cousin justified that “gumugwapo ang lalaki pag kumakanta.” does that mean team ely siya? touché. pero mas type ko pa rin si buddy!

big yellow taxi

2009-03-01T21:00:00.003+08:00

three years ago, at exactly 5 pm, classes would end, and i’d be free to go home. i could spend the rest of the night studying (like a good girl), eating (studying makes me hungry), watching TV (my favorite form of rebellion), socializing (just to prove that i have a life), or sleeping. all my weekends were free. i *always* went home to QC because no matter how toxic med freshies were, weekends were always ours.

second year came, and things started to get a little more complicated. exams took place weekly. readings quadrupled in volume (and mass?). gimiks with classmates became less frequent. i stopped going to diliman to see my UPIS friends. i started to stay up late every single night just to barely pass all those exams. by then, i was seriously doubting continuing. if things only got harder from then on, why should i even bother?

as the years passed, i found myself sacrificing more. i only had half of weekend days free; but in the strictest sense, we’d still be in the hospital on a Sunday afternoon because we *never* finish our work before 12. there were times when i’d be miserable in the hospital thinking how i'd give anything to be back at home with my family, eating my mom’s cooking, playing with my dogs and catching up with mik. i'd miss family parties (i was the only one who was always absent). every third day was spent in the hospital – weekends included. post-duty days were dedicated to sleep (because seriously, you’d be too exhausted to think about doing anything else). meals became optional, especially during the toxic rotations. precious free time was spent studying to avoid being humiliated to the consultant/fellow/resident/nurse/patient/patient’s family. not that it does much because it still happens. in medicine, you learn that no matter how much you read, you will always know less than everyone else. i’d miss church services to finish clinical abstracts and discharge summaries. i’d skip org meetings to research for SGDs or to finish my “clerk responsibilities.” my friendships with some people started to deteriorate with me realizing only months too late. i am becoming a doctor, yes, but i feel like i’m also turning into a horrible person.

where is the tara i used to be? the girl who would drop everything to answer to a friend in need? the girl who would always have time for music? the girl who loved to write whether it be on a blog, on paper or in the mind? the girl who would never end a day without praying? the girl who always had time for family? i feel like i’m losing more of myself day after day. i have one more year of med school – internship. how much more do i have to sacrifice to become *that* something i’ve always dreamed of? how much of myself do i have to give up to earn the right to heal? is it still worth it? is this what i really want?

don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone?

i paved paradise, and put up a parking lot. i don’t blame medicine. i chose to do this. this is my fault. i can only blame myself.

starbucks is out of planners

2009-01-06T22:43:00.005+08:00

and believe me, i've checked A LOT of branches. but it's fine. i'm actually happier with the completed card than the prospect of getting the planner. go commercialism!

many thanks to ate de, kuya neil, trina, kris, papa and MIK for humoring me. you guys rock. \m/

the question is, "will i make it?"

2009-01-02T16:36:00.000+08:00

i got the card on december 27. i only started collecting yesterday. can i fill up all 16 spots by january 6? stay tuned.

(i'm so bored)

in 24 hours

2008-10-05T16:24:00.002+08:00

28 admissions, two 12-hour posts, one exhausted team. grabe, ayoko na.

i was supposed to go on duty in the labor room and delivery room. unfortunately, patients flooded the ob admitting section, forcing the team to pull me out of my post and put me there. a few hours in, a new wave of patients came and completely overwhelmed the team. we charted, examined and conducted non-stop from about 9:00 pm to 4:00 am. at around midnight, tempers were flaring. a few hours later, the lrdr people were begging us to stop admitting patients. at 3:00 am, we just stopped caring, and examined patients as fast as we could to JUST GET IT OVER WITH.

they say that medical students tend to be dehumanized because of the sheer workload. we stop caring and work like robots - carrying orders without thought. in our defense, the work really is too much. imagine spending your whole day talking to patients who (1) are in the hospital because they deferred treatment until severe complications arose, (2) do not listen to a thing you're saying, (3) or are angry at you because they think that the interview (history-taking, we doctors call it) is absolutely doing nothing for their health. then, imagine that you do this the entire day with only 15 minutes to eat meals that are 6 hours late (we eat dinner at midnight), and 30 minutes to sleep in the most uncomfortable position ever. at the worst times, you don't even get to take a bath. (haha!) now put yourself in my shoes, and tell me to my face that you would NOT become dehumanized.

but we are human. and it shows. we make mistakes, we get sick, we get angry, we cry, we get hurt. sometimes, i think i'm better than others (or other think that they're better than me) because of age, education, financial status, or even sex. i should stop, and maybe i'll try harder this time. because as tears leaked from my eyes while waiting for the stat albumin results to come out, as interns ran all over pgh because a patient was missing, as residents fell asleep while discussing a case, as the patients screamed in pain while being examined, God helped me realize we are all the same - just human. and being human means being limited.

we tend to forget it a lot, unfortunately.

verse for the day:
i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.i can do everything through him who gives me strength. [philippians 4:12,13]

sweeter the second time around

2008-09-07T22:22:00.002+08:00

since our upis days, we've been going gaga over the cheerdance competition. cheering, apparently, is one of the sports our university is good at (aside from women's basketball, volleyball and swimming, am i right?). so anyway, once september comes, we rush to buy tickets or reserve the tv for an afternoon of screams, pyramids, dance routines and tears.

i remember watching the uaap cdc 2003 on television. i was a college freshie then. we lost. haha. the year after, i watched it live. it was crazy with all the shrieking, booing, jumping. we lost again. on 2005, i saw it live for the second time. the routine was amazing, and i actually thought we had a chance. we lost to ust by 0.3 points. :(

i was beginning to sense a pattern. maybe if i didn't watch, we'd win. on 2006, i missed the whole thing because i was studying for an exam. we got third place. oh well, so much for that idea.

last year, i watched it on tv with my family. we were screaming so loud because maybe, just maybe, we'd make it this time around. we beat ust by 0.5 points, which doesn't really matter because UP WON!

this year, the whole rivera clan watched it. (the quantity and quality of the side comments were unbelievable. it's a good thing every single person in that room studied in up.) WE WON AGAIN!!! congrats, up pep squad! you deserve nothing less but 1st. :D

tsk. it seems i jinx it by attending live. i should just stick to the tv broadcast. :P

verse for the day:
heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away. [luke 21:33]

outgoing notes

2008-09-01T22:24:00.001+08:00

i was all set going into this rotation. armed with my mantra, "i force myself to enjoy this because, dammit, i want to do this for the rest of my life," i plunged into the pedia rotation.

the nursery/nicu week was fun. i got to suction babies, rub them until they turned pink. even the one-on-one case discussions in nicu were fun to do because the cases actually piqued my interest.

e.r. rotations were never my favorite. even in the benign rotations (ortho, orl, ophtha), e.r. duties were always stressful. pedia e.r. was no exception. everyone was always in a hurry. orders were all verbal, hence, i would sometimes forget one or two. toxic patients had parents (or bantays) missing in action. my stash got depleted because patients never have enough money. typical. i hardly learned anything in the e.r. except how to monitor with my eyes. bwahahaha. kids, wag nyo akong gayahin.

wards was even more toxic. hema-onco patients needed so many blood extractions i was actually forced to extract from the most exotic places. i learned how to line small kids, do arterial blood extractions in newborns, slow push a hundred meds into a hundred patients, make histories in 5 minutes, endorse...

gen ped 4 patients were even more toxic. i had to run up to the lab to check results, run back down to monitor my q1 patients, then go back to check if there are new culture results (they only come out at 3 pm). orders piled up, papers were left unfinished. i felt like i was doing a very bad job of helping my residents and patients.

i hated the rotation. it made me regret choosing pedia as an elective. it made me seriously rethink my plans. maybe... i'm not meant to help children.

on my way home, i stopped by the ward to collect my things. the duty team was having trouble extracting from my patient because he kept flailing his chubby arms. i went to his bedside and attempted to get blood. surprise surprise! he stayed still the entire time. and i actually succeeded at the first try. the patient's father smiled and exclaimed, "si dok lang pala ang kailangan eh!" and after saying goodbye to all my patients, i realized that they were worth all the stress after all.

so let me try again. parang ayoko nang mag-pedia. pero shucks, nararamdaman ko na yung calling.

gen ped 4 service (08/25/08 - 08/31/08)
best service! :D

verse for the day:
blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. for He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal. [job 5:17,18]

post-duty ako

2008-06-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

i never thought i'd surpass tuesday's record of 10 admissions. but at the end of my second 24-hr duty in the e.r., we counted our admissions and surprise surprise, 12 freaking admissions! at this point, i'd still like to think that i'm NOT a toxic magnet.

toxic magnet [n] pgh term for a clerk or intern who manages to get an unbelievably huge number of admissions, and/or the most toxic of patients consistently (in other words, malas)

amazingly, everyone seemed to have the same idea of accidentally breaking his/her arm or leg and be brought to pgh all on the same day. these patients also managed to show up at the same time. and to top things off, there was this patient whom we had to monitor every hour because he was hypotensive and very tachypneic. hindi naman nya kasalanan, pero toxic nonetheless. at around 1:00 am, i was asked to extract arterial blood (something i've never done in my entire life) on someone with an absent radial pulse. after failing miserably, arthur (one of the best people ever), helped me out. thank goodness our interns are so nice and skillful. :)

some posi things about this duty:
1. i now know how to fill out an abg request
2. i performed a successful iv insertion (sorry, mababaw)
3. i'm getting confident with my blood extractions
4. i can read x-rays!
5. sir gave us free puto

see? i can be posi too. *collapses and dies*

verse for the day:
endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. for what son is not disciplined by his father? therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. [hebrews 12:7,12]

forgive the nerd

2008-05-14T22:57:00.003+08:00

aside from the usual changing-the-malaria-culture-medium, we did something i didn't imagine i'd do. we performed IFAT on two patients - one to test for malaria (falci and vivax), and another for amoeba. and to think i read about this in harrisons and our lecture transcriptions; i got to do it for real, to actually confirm a doctor's diagnosis. the inner nerd in me just thought, "cool!"

IFAT, which is short for indirect immunofluorescence antibody test, is used to detect microorganisms or parasites in a specimen. these microorganisms or parasites will light up (kinda like green fireflies) when you examine a (+) specimen with a fluorescent microscope.

see the fireflies?

i remember taking the job more than a month ago because i had nothing to do for the summer. the cash that came with it also helped, i guess. ;) now, after weeks of learning how to flame everything to prevent contamination, figuring out micropipettors, taking care of malaria cultures, staining without getting a single spot on my white shirt, counting RBCs per hpf... i'm really glad i took the job. at least now, i'm confident enough to say that i am NOT lab incompetent anymore. that, plus i can make a perfect thin smear with my eyes closed. weeeee!

verse for the day:
praise our God, o peoples, let the sound of His praise be heard; He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. [psalm 66:8,9]

ang buhay icc - the 16 rotations

2008-05-01T23:34:00.001+08:00

1. community medicine a.k.a. commed

in which you let the community do the work because, quite honestly, they don't need you there anymore. i *heart* bgy 193. :)

2. psychiatry a.k.a. psych

in which you fear the thought of your patient's story making sense because if it does, well... you might need a referral yourself.

3. neurology a.k.a. neuro

in which you always have to know everything.

4. otorhinolaryngology a.k.a. orl/ent

in which you feel like a space-occupying lesion except when there are not enough interns and pre-residents to handle all those patients.

5. ophthalmology a.k.a. ophtha

in which you think you're not in pgh because sentro is so darn pretty and actually air-conditioned.

6. radiology a.k.a. radio

in which you feel like you're being sucked into a black hole. the rooms are dark, you can't help but feel a bit sleepy, and there's no signal whether you're smart, globe or sun.

7. anesthesiology a.k.a. anesth

in which you feel like you're in grey's anatomy with your scrubs, cap and mask.

8. dermatology a.k.a. derma

in which you feel everything but beautiful after you've figured out what all those lesions on your skin are called.

9. management

in which you're on a two-week vacation from pgh.

10. rheumatology, orthopedics and rehabilitation medicine a.k.a. rheuma-ortho-rehab

in which you attempt to learn about three completely different specialties in two weeks - in our case, less. you also get to teach in-patients how to exercise their backs properly.

11. pediatrics a.k.a. pedia

in which you find yourself hurting children (immunization, blood extraction, iv line insertion, nasogastric tube insertion, etc.) to save them.

12. obstetrics and gynecology a.k.a. ob-gyne

in which you see so many vaginas that you don't find them gross anymore.

13. internal medicine a.k.a. im

in which you don't get to post any pictures because you were too busy memorizing harrison's to take any.

14. surgery a.k.a. surg

in which you take a huge leap from suturing a pork leg to closing an intern's incision which is dangerously close to the pulsation of the external jugular.

15. family medicine a.k.a. fammed

in which you spend more time in front of the computer than in the hospital because there are so many papers to be done.

16. community-oriented medical education a.k.a. come

in which you teach bhws the basics of providing health care, patient education... and math.

verse for the day:
"you are the light of the world. a city on a hill cannot be hidden. neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. in the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." [matthew 5:14-16]

ow-em-gee

2008-04-28T23:42:00.003+08:00

our dsl was awol for more than two weeks! i couldn't check my mail, update my multiply (noooooooooooo), webhop and download stuff!!! amazingly, i'm still alive despite almost nil internet exposure. i hope it never happens again. O_o

for a quick update...

1. we went to cagayan de oro and camiguin island a few weeks ago. saw a waterfall, bathed in hot and cold springs, waded in white island and ate the best seafood ever.

2. i graduated! the intarmed program lets us graduate after the 5th year with a degree in b.s. basic medical sciences, and after the 7th year with an m.d. so there. i now have a b.s. degree. two more years to go! :)

3. i got a job at up manila as a research assistant because i needed the money. my weekdays consist of changing malaria culture media, preparing thin blood smears, staining and mind-numbing microscopy. thanks to this summer job, i'm now 100% sure i'm not going into research. >.<

verse for the day:
even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. [isaiah 40:30,31]

easter

2008-03-23T17:17:00.003+08:00

for the longest time, i've been very troubled. the sins were piling up, prayers felt half-hearted, i had become worldly. instead of 'fessing up, i buried myself in work. i found i couldn't pray anymore because guilt filled my heart each time i tried. at some point, when i did try, i heard nothing - His voice was gone. i thought, for one moment, that i had lost Him forever.

easter sunday is a special day for Christians because this day, we celebrate His resurrection - His triumph over sin, death and evil. for me, easter sunday is also the day i found my way back to Him after five dark, long months. this was the day i heard His voice again, and felt his warm embrace i've needed for so long.

after all this time, after all i had done, He still loves me.

verse for the day:
for i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [romans 3:38,39]

the end of the big four

2008-03-08T22:10:00.004+08:00

pedia ended way too soon. when i finally realized how happy the rotation was making me, i was thrust into ob-gyne which brought about a lot of exhaustion and depression.

internal medicine was even worse for me because (1) i HAD to study harrison's 24/7 or else i'm doomed to repeat the rotation, (2) i flunked the first exam - the easiest, says trina - despite the studying, (3) my trusty g4 ibook died. so there i was burying my face in my internal med textbook and trying very hard to concentrate on it, while not thinking of the possibility that i had lost all my files (not to mention all my pictures since my imed days) and might not see my laptop work ever again.

after that horrible first week in internal med, things got better. i passed the next two exams (and enjoyed reading the cardio topics haha), my parents bought me a new macbook and i'm eternally grateful, and i learned a lot of things on medicine thanks to all that intensive reading. needless to say, internal med was quite the experience for me.

surgery was too benign for words. histories were shorter, cases were simpler (or so it seemed), and the reading list was a shadow of medicine's massive one. :P surgery, i realized, is probably one of the last specialties i'd go into. unfortunately, i'm not very skillful with the scalpel and needle. i also hate anatomy - the subject every surgeon must know if he/she is going to open up a person and take out a chunk of an organ. but surgery was still a lot of fun. i had more pedia exposure which i loved (pedia na 'to!). our block was able to go out to serendra despite a 7 am class the next day. i was able to diagnose a bunch of out-patient cases, which made me feel... useful. lol.

now that pedia, ob-gyne, medicine and surgery are finally over, i can say what the other blocks have been saying months ago: clerk na ako!

to my dear block, thanks for making the big four experience too awesome for words. we rak!!!

verse for the day:
not that i have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. [philippians 3:12-14]

a moment

2008-01-15T23:35:00.001+08:00

as my previous entries have stated, i'm not that crazy about ob-gyne (hah, the understatement of the year). waking up at 7:00 am everyday is physically tiring. we're constantly running to be somewhere 30 minutes before the expected time of the consultant's arrival. we're ICCs with only one ob-opd session and no gyne-opd for the whole rotation. sgds and preceps pile up, schedule changes are frequent, patients get on your nerves. honestly? NEGA.

today, my two groupmates and i went to the gyne-opd to find gyne cases for our discussion. my patient was referred from IM, and i had no idea what was wrong with her. the poor woman kept asking me to name her disease - to explain the variety of symptoms she was feeling. all i could tell her was that i'd do my best to find out. pap smear was a nightmare. it was my first time, she was screaming in pain, i couldn't find the freaking cervix, and i had no time to perform an internal exam because i was late for my sgd. the three of us ran to the conference room, sans lunch, praying to God the consultant was late. it was seriously one of the worst days of my life.

coincidentally, i met my patient a few hours later because she was scheduled for an ultrasound. small talk, some advising, a few smiles exchanged. when i turned away to hurry after my classmates, she caught my arm and whispered, "doc, salamat po." after hurting her, after failing to identify her disease, after leaving her in the middle of her physical exam, she thanked me.

after crying my eyes out, i realized that i should have thanked her too.

verse for the day:
let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. [proverbs 3:3,4]

another crazy week gone by...

2008-01-13T09:16:00.003+08:00

i'm almost halfway through my ob-gyne rotation and i'm still wishing i was back in pedia. something about the ob lifestyle just doesn't appeal to me - 7:00 am summary rounds every single day, the constant need to run, blood and other body fluids, keps *shudder*, stress levels. two more weeks of ob. dear Lord, please give me the strength to finish this...

anyway, on to other matters. the annual "tao rin pala" was held in st. paul's last friday (jan. 11). this was our last chance to win the chorale competition though some of us, including myself, weren't really expecting. come on, losing for two years does something to your self-esteem. haha. our class presentation was a series of dances featuring elvis, madonna, michael jackson, britney spears, n*sync (tama ba?) and the spice girls. ang galing! dean roxas (of upcm) gave a surprise cash prize for the best non-chorale performance. tama lang na sila yung nanalo, di ba? ;)

i wasn't able to watch the dance because we were outside preparing for the agape handmime which was three performances after. we did good, except we misspelled a vital word... >.< oh, and by the way... we won in the chorale competition. that's my block up there with the trophy. :D

verse for the day:
now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. you will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. [2 corinthians 9:10,11]

halfway through pedia

2007-12-11T22:35:00.001+08:00

after a very long hiatus, i finally have the time to write a new entry. sheesh, we have such busy busy lives. the rheuma-ortho-rehab combo was actually fun. pharma was difficult, as usual. but at least, i know my antibiotics. :)

right now, our block is smack in the middle of our pedia rotation. i semi-successfully performed venous blood extraction in a pediatric patient. i inserted a nasogastric tube (a tube through the nose to the stomach) during first emergency room experience on the first day of pedia clinics. i've also listened to the heart of an adorable newborn while he was wailing in the incubator. i immunized my first newborn (bcg). just this morning, my partner and i survived our case conference on meningitis. hurray for pedia! i'm actually liking it, hence, another differential for me.

current differentials so far: pedia, radio, orl (in that order)

verse for the day:
i waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. [psalm 40:1-3]

pricking people is so much fun!

2007-10-14T21:19:00.001+08:00

our rotation last week was in the pain clinic (anesthesiology). we actually didn't handle patients, unlike our previous rotations. there were lectures, very informal group discussions, free food and a day in the pgh minor operating room. now the last one is every bit as cool as it sounds. we got to wear full scrubs (heehee), some of us got to perform spinal anesthesia, i did my first iv line insertion on some poor guy, we observed a bunch of surgeries, and even got free lunch.

i can't believe i'm saying this, but i can't wait for more o.r. experiences!

verse for the day:
I have no greater joy than to hear that My children are walking in the truth. [3 john 1:4]

u.p. luv

2007-09-16T18:39:00.001+08:00

congratulations to the u.p. pep squad for winning 1st place in the uaap cheerdance competition!

the three harry potters

2007-07-30T00:41:00.000+08:00

trina's dad bought several harry potter books (the seventh, of course) while he was in bangkok. the cool thing was there were two different kinds of book covers - the british, cartoony one, and an adult romance novel-ish one. weird. a few days later, kris bought the book with the american cover. so, with all three book covers under one roof, i did a mini photo shoot.

L-R: rodney with british; trina with adult romance novel-ish; kris with american

clinical rotations start on monday (tomorrow/today?). our group's first rotation is in community medicine. we have to go to a community in pasay to "take care" of patients there. we also have a bunch of papers to write. sigh. i guess this means goodbye to classroom work and hello to the real medical world.

verse for the day:
the Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom i take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. [psalm 18:2]

pain scale score of 10

2007-07-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

because feeling what patients feel makes good doctors out of med students, our friendly pediatricians organized this "fun" activity for our class. they made us inject each other normal saline solution intradermally with a freakin' 23 gauge needle. too much med speak? let me explain. normal saline solution is just very clean water with salt. injecting intradermally means you inject the stuff into the layer right underneath the visible skin. a 23 gauge needle means the needle is huge, and i'm not exaggerating.

imagine that it's 8:00 am, and you came to the hospital straight out of bed. now imagine that it's your first time poking someone with a needle. the room's freezing, your friend is shaking out of pure fear, your classmates are staring at your every move (you hear gasps every now and then), and your hand's shaking so much you can hardly hold the syringe straight. and once you poke the needle through the skin, your good friend throws a rather colorful curse at you (or the pain you just inflicted), and/or starts screaming. what's worse is the pain was just as bad as kathy - my poor partner - described it. i screamed. dave screamed, and he was only watching me get poked. the boys in my group screamed. my conclusion? a 23 gauge needle is too huge to inject anything intradermally.

as it turned out, the doctors made the succeeding groups use tuberculin syringes. this simply means their stupid needles were much smaller than ours.

verse for the day:
heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. freely you have received, freely give. [matthew 10:8]

why i cannot be...

2007-07-10T22:42:00.000+08:00

a surgeon: anatomy is my worst subject.
an internist: i cannot diagnose dammit.
an ophthalmologist: there are only two emergencies in ophtha. boooooring!
an otorhinolaryngologist: too much body fluids involved
an ob-gynecologist: see above
a psychiatrist: talking to crazy people makes me crazy.
a neurologist: i could never find the lesion.
a pathologist: formalin makes me high.
a radiologist: all x-rays look normal to me. and don't get me started on CT scans.
an orthopedist: open fractures scare the heck outta me
a dermatologist: you need the looks for this specialty. erhm.... >.<
a pediatrician: i never know the pediatric values.
an oncologist: my brain can't handle all of those stupid oncogenes!
an infectious diseases specialist: i have this feeling that i'm perpetually immunocompromised.

sigh. tara rivera, general practitioner, does NOT sound appealing. i should probably re-think this.

verse for the day:
therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. [2 corinthians 4:16-18]

hurray for fathers!

2007-06-17T22:25:00.000+08:00

to the best surgeon, driver, ballroom dancer, and cameraman...
to the one who makes the corniest jokes, and the most delicious pasta...
to the best daddy God could ever give me...

happy fathers' day!

verse for the day:
"honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you." [deuteronomy 5:16]

the first day blues

2007-06-11T23:09:00.000+08:00

just when i was starting to get used to the lazy lifestyle, i find that junior clerkship is just around the corner. as much as i like being busy with things (including *gasp* schoolwork), i must admit this summer flew by too quickly. i'm not yet ready to go back to lectures, exams, labs, patients and doctors.

but just like any other first-day-of-class experience, i don't have much of a choice.

verse for the day (must take this to heart):
trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. [proverbs 3:5-6]

california in a nutshell

2007-06-08T22:22:00.000+08:00

this update was due a loooong time ago, but i was simply too lazy to upload all the pictures and make a post about our trip. however, as med life resumes, i won't have time to do this until my next vacation so...

mike, tara, pilar and mik take on california
(a very short recap)

we rode the bart to san francisco. we ate in this yummy thai restaurant, rode the cable car to pier 39, did lots of shopping, went to union square to do even more shopping, and ate the best cheesecake ever at the cheesecake factory.

our next adventure was at the yosemite national park, which was about a 6-hour drive from where we stayed at dublin.

we went back to san francisco a few days later to do more sight-seeing. a few minutes before this picture was taken, i almost plunged into the bay because the wind was so strong!

tita jing brought us to a bunch of outlet stores at tracy. we went there with her adorable niece, jazzy. after hours of shopping, we went back to dublin where we took dozens of pictures of jazzy and my cousin, dylan.

we went to monterey, which has the the most expensive golf course, the cleanest beach (that has sands as white as boracay), the most expensive houses (9.95 million dollars only because it's near the beach!), and the best clam chowder.

of course, we went to disneyland. i finally saw the electrical parade in english (the first and only time was in tokyo disneyland). we also rode the tower of terror which was really terrifying for me.

that concludes my *brief* recap. click here for more pics of our trip (if you're interested). but before the verse for the day, let me leave you this pic of the adorable lucy.
she and dylan kept me company during those times when we stayed at home.

verse for the day (and for the toxic days to come):
consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. [james 1:2-5]

the US of A

2007-04-30T09:00:00.000+08:00

right now, i'm somewhere in north california, and all i can say is...
the weather here is positively delicious. cool air, warm sun and most important of all, zero humidity. oo nangiinggit ako. ;)

we left manila at 5:30 pm. as usual, the flight was delayed. our 3-hour stopover at taipei was kind of exciting. i got my hands on a real ps3. sadly, it was mine for only 5 minutes. it was on display. :(

we've been in the states for three days, but we haven't done much. we've gone to church, eaten the most delicious bagels in the whole universe, and been to an american mall (it's quite tiny, but the stores are cute). i'm still getting over the jet-lag., and failing.

hopefully, my next update will be sooooooo much more thrilling than this one.

verse for the day:
speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. mercy triumphs over judgment! [james 2:12-13]

fire

2007-04-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

i was just telling my parents that we saw a fire near the u.p. bliss area. imagine our surprise when we saw another fire, this time, right behind our house.

our house has a vast, grassy field behind it. during the summer, it's prone to catch fire because of irresponsible people (who leave cigarette butts behind) and the summer heat. the field would catch fire almost every year.

mama got to work right away. she made us dump water over the fence to wet the area around our cement wall. before we knew it, the fire was a few feet from the wall. i prayed for a miracle - the fire department or rain. instead, the fire blazed higher, almost reaching a palm tree which just happens to be right next to my room.

then, neighbors and security guards rushed inside to lend us a hand. they brought more buckets and another hose, and tried to help us prevent the fire from reaching the wall. i was told to watch the door just in case someone tried to get in. i couldn't see what happened, but when i checked about 15 minutes later, the fire was gone. i thought the fire department (who took ages to get here) did it, but mik told me the fire shrank even before he saw the truck coming.

daddy explained that as the fire neared the wall, it ran out of dry things to consume because the grass around the wall was so wet from all the water we poured, so it grew smaller and smaller until it died. i still find it hard to believe.

anyone who was there would have thought the house was a goner. the fire came from three directions. the water from our buckets couldn't even reach it. all we could do was wet the area around the wall and PRAY that it would work.

i asked for miracle, God gave me two. He sent our neighbors to help, and He protected our house from a fire which was just inches away. we should have lost our house last night, but we didn't. praise God!

verse for the day:
"because he loves Me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name. he will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." [psalm 91:14-15]

summer update

2007-04-20T16:25:00.000+08:00

our new yorker relatives visited us about 3 weeks ago. we all had lots of fun. there were parties, multiple trips to greenhills (for cheap thrills), swimming, more shopping and lots of eating. michelle showed us some thrilling ice-skating moves, toby told crazy stories about their creepy neighbors, and tito ricky gave a few horror stories (all hospital-related and very true) of his own. we made them promise to visit again asap.
then, we spent the holy week in nasugbu with grandma. when we got there, i saw two adorable, furry faces peeking between the metal bars of the old doggie cage - puppies! mac-mac named them after the famous mouse duo: mickey and minnie. overwhelmed by pure puppy goodness, i spent more time outdoors that week.
after that, things were much less hectic. i've been sleeping until 9 am (wow!) everyday. i've played so much starwars battlefront i'm actually quite sick of it. i've been updated on the "affairs of the world" AND american idol (it is the miracle of miracles. sanjaya is really gone!) i made a ref cake! the cream sauce kinda collapsed because i think i should have put some gelatin, but it tastes delicious. :)

verse for the day:
if You, o Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? but with You there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. i wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word i put my hope. [psalm 130:3-5]

it is done

2007-03-24T23:57:00.001+08:00

as of 3:00 pm yesterday, i had taken my last graded exam in 2nd year.
as of 5:00 pm yesterday, classes had officially ended.
as of 10:00 am next friday, i will have finished my second year in medicine.
as of next month, i will have graduated with my degree.

miracles do happen. :)

verse for the day:
taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. [psalm 34:8]

break

2007-02-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

after that long hiatus, i am finally back. these last few weeks have been a blur. i raced through hematology (studying blood is fun), slept through most of ophthalmology (the eye bores me), pushed past ENT (i learned absolutely nothing), crawled my way through dermatology (it wasn't fun) and stumbled out of the ortho-rheuma-rehab module. with a totally new subject every monday and an exam every friday, i felt like i breezed through everything, learned nothing and tired myself out from all that studying!

weekends would go by even faster. i'd sleep the entire saturday, go to church on sunday, and find myself back in manila a few hours later. as much as i hated it, life became a routine: wake up late, eat anything for breakfast, take a quick bath, race to school, study, eat lunch, study, go home, study, eat dinner, study, sleep late, wake up late...

*deep breath* i need time to think. i need time to listen to His voice. I NEED A BREAK.

verse for the day:
be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones in agony. my soul is in anguish. how long , o Lord, how long? turn, o Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. [psalm 6:2-4]

Christmas fun

2006-12-29T21:00:00.000+08:00

i promised my cousin a blog post before the year ends. here it is!

i spent the first week of my break frantically wrapping presents of different shapes and sizes. mik and i even made cardboard boxes because none of the boxes sold in the shops of sm north edsa were big enough. after all that work, i'm not too keen on wrapping anything for a very long time...

" we joined our church choir in singing lucio san pedro's simbang gabi" for the Christmas eve service. with tito abi's drums and tambourine, and the choir's surprisingly good singing, the congregation burst into applause even before the song ended. gosh, it felt so good to sing again. then, our family sped off to the miranos' house for paella and ham. yum! gift-opening was a riot. bop shrieked when she realized her parents gave her an ipod nano. (she was planning to buy a shuffle, but a nano is always better ;P). i got two copies of the new sugarfree album. i gave mik the other one. after a toast (i downed half a glass of wine thinking it was sparkling grape juice) and lots of yelling, we went home.

the next few days were more peaceful. the four of us went to nasugbu on the 25th to celebrate with mama's side of the family. this included a lot of eating, sleeping, and phone calls from the states and canada. after days of rest and relaxation, i think i'm ready to take on the new year.

part 2 to follow! ;)

verse for the day:
and there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. but the angel said to them, "do not be afraid. i bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. today in the town of david a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. [luke 2: 8-11]

crazy taxi

2006-12-03T23:41:00.000+08:00

while clutching onto my bag with such force i didn't know i had, i watched in fear (and maybe a little amazement) as the taxi driver zipped past cars with so much ease. he rushed past the u-turn in edsa without hitting the brakes. he shimmied into a tiny space between two cars because though they were fast, he was much faster. he changed lanes so many times at high speeds it made me dizzy. he'd use the turning light (perhaps as a warning?), before ruthlessly cutting into the poor motorist's lane. it usually takes 15 to 20 minutes to get from the church to our house. this taxi got us home in 10 minutes, maybe even 7. when we got home, mom paid the cabby in a flash while my brother and i scrambled out of the "cab of death". i seriously thought that insanely short cab ride would be the end of my 20 years.

moral of the story: beware of swerving taxi cabs. get out of their way asap. if you see one, mumble a short prayer for the poor soul/s inside. if you're in one, PRAY HARD. if you survive, make sure you don't board one again.

as for me, i'm never even going to think of hitting 100 kph as long as i'm behind the wheel. one crazy ride is enough for this girl.

by the way, if, by any chance, you're in the ermita area on dec. 5, drop by the 33rd tao rin pala variety show in st. paul's, manila. think about it - a night of singing, dancing, rocking doctors and med students. it's always a lot of fun. that, plus admission is free. ;)

verse for the day:
for i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. [romans 8:38-39]

tinotopak ata ako

2006-11-20T00:52:00.000+08:00

meaning... i have a case of temporary insanity. it's not bad, mind you. temporary insanity helped me finish a very long, boring and confusing microbiology paper in half a day. it also helped me breeze through an even more confusing paper on abdominal bleeding. we were required to answered two questions, but i did all four by mistake. i even had enough insanity left to read about constipation for a small-group discussion.

how strange. i'm actually doing lots of med stuff without complaining. am i *gasp* enjoying studying?!

i think i should have more bouts of temporary insanity.

verse for the day:
i can do everything through Him who gives me strength. [philippians 3:13]

parasitology

2006-11-09T00:24:00.000+08:00

[noun] the study of parasites, their hosts and the relationship between them. that's how wikipedia defines it. parasitology also happens to be my mom's field of study. my mom is a lot of things. first of all, she's a mom. she's also a doctor, a researcher, a writer, and a teacher. and this afternoon, i became her student in our parasitology class.

it's a weird feeling. it's hard to listen to a lecture on protozoans when the lecturer just happens to be your mother. you can't look at her because your eyes might meet. you slump in your chair, praying that she won't call you to answer her mind-boggling question. you cringe when she introduces herself to your entire class as your mother. thank goodness her next lecture will be a year from now.

more on parasitology: we have an exam next week that is very similar to an egg hunt. we look for eggs, tell the consultants what kind of eggs we find, and get points if we get it right. the catch? we look for eggs in human feces. yuck. if you have no idea what "feces" means, i suggest you look it up. it is the most and only appropriate word i can think of. needless to say, i am NOT looking forward to this exam.

honestly, how one can love parasitology is beyond me.

verse for the day:
Jesus replied, "what is impossible with human beings is possible with God." [luke 18:27]

back to the grind

2006-11-07T00:19:00.000+08:00

after three weeks of heaven, i wake up one morning and realize it's time to go back to manila, back to grumpy consultants, and back to disease and death.

the schedule for the present sem was given last week, but most of us did not bother to examine it until only this morning. the up college of medicine has never been known for going easy on its students. they gave us two-hour lectureS and preceptorials (meaning wards, demonstrations, return-demonstrations and discussions). with our minds still fuzzy from lack of use, we were force-fed with an endless sea of med-related information.

it is now november 7 - more than 24 hours after my vacation. it took me this long to realize that i had just said "goodbye" to my last semestral break.

i want to go home.

verse for the day:
but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own. [matthew 6:33-34]

konting panakot (konti lang)

2006-11-01T23:03:00.000+08:00

uiiiiiii... new layout! tell me what you think, 'kay?

at the height of the downpour this evening in qc, my dad, mik and i were in the family room enjoying some quality time with the internet when suddenly... i heard three or four knocks coming from outside. we all heard them. even my mom, who was upstairs, heard them. i knew those knocks came from nearby because they were loud, clear knocks. i looked outside the window, but there was no one. our hyperactive dogs - impossible to keep quiet when anyone shows up at our house - weren't making a single sound. hmmmm...

could it be a ghost? do ghosts knock? don't their hands just go through solid walls? haha. i wish it was a ghost. then, i wouldn't have to worry about some stranger climbing our fence and knocking on our window.

anyway... to my lola, who's reading my blog from her computer in heaven: happy birthday!

verse for the day:
i remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. i well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. yet this i call to mind and therefore i have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. i say to myself, "the Lord is my portion; therefore i will wait for Him." [lamentations 3: 19-24]

my bloggy's famous

2006-10-26T22:01:00.000+08:00

all you need to do is take a peek at my tag board to realize that something's up. my little blog which i made a year ago (happy birthday, bloggy!) has reached superstar status thanks to a magazine article. my cousin's friend writes for candy magazine, a popular pinoy teen magazine. she was writing a feature on blog makeovers and she needed a blog so... i said "yes."
i must say that the designs cindy lorenzo made were cute! they remind me of the illustrations of the book, "the little prince." suddenly, there's this urge to make a new layout. and with a week's worth of vacation time left, i might just do it. maybe after my body gets tired of sleeping all day.

i bought another pair of havaianas last week. tsk, it seems i've gotten myself into quite an expensive addiction. P700+ for a pair of rubber slippers? med has turned me into a lunatic.

you see, after studying too much medicine, i tend to blame it for everything.

verse for the day:
the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow His precepts have good understanding. to Him belongs eternal praise. [psalm 111:10]

an answered prayer

2006-10-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

remember my post about failing this exam in pharma? of course not. you have your own problems to worry about. but seriously, i flunked an exam back in july and i flunked it hard. my face upon seeing my exam results was... well, enough to earn me a role in a horror movie. it was THAT bad.

painful as it was, i had to study again because i had to take the finals to pass my second year in medicine. as i brushed up on my pharmacology lectures yesterday (for my finals), i fell asleep twice. the real studying did not begin until 10:00 am, today. halfway through pharmacokinetics (which is medspeak for "what our bodies do to the drugs we take"), i got a text message from joseph.

apparently, they got my grades mixed up with someone else's. i DID NOT flunk my exam, i DID NOT get that horrible grade, and i, obviously, DO NOT have to take the finals on thursday.

that means i can put away all my reviewers, notes and books, and watch grey's anatomy. that means i can open a bag of lay's to celebrate the end of therapeutics 201. that means i can *finally* go to sleep before 12 tonight. finally.

verse for the day:
the Lord lives! praise be to my Rock! exalted be God my Savior! [psalm 18:46]

milenyo blues

2006-10-02T22:47:00.000+08:00

our class was supposed to take written and laboratory pathology exams on friday. a written ob (that's obstetrics in med speak, people) exam was also scheduled on the same day. there was no way i could successfully study for all of them in five days; so, i chose patho. i dedicated three days and three nights to tumors, cancers, pre-cancers, non-cancers and enlarged ovaries. on thursday evening, friday classes were suspended. the ob exam was rescheduled on the next tuesday. the patho exam (which i desperately tried to make sense of) was rescheduled on oct. 16. i studied for the wrong exam.

but that's okay. i had the weekend to read up on ob, gynecology and urology. no prob. so i crammed lectures on prostatic hyperplasia, sexual dysfunction and urinary problems into my very unwilling head... only to find out this afternoon that the exam tomorrow has been postponed to (surprise! surprise!) oct. 16. to make matters worse, i found out that the pharma finals are also scheduled on the same day!

i have to study for a small-group discussion tomorrow. if i open my books, will they postpone the sgd to oct. 16?

sigh.

verse for the day:
but as for me, i will always have hope; i will praise You more and more. [psalm 71:14]

sgd aftershock

2006-09-04T21:50:00.000+08:00

after three fun-filled (i'm sarcastic) weeks of cardiology, we plunged into pulmonology. i seriously thought cardio was *it*. hah. but this time, i decided not to bore you to death about my trials and tribulations.

tingnan nyo na lang yung mga sapatos at havaianas ng mga groupmates naming tatlo (kris, trina and me).

two groups, five cases, one very long night.
more sgds, but for the other block this time.
ang ganda ng slippers ni vivi!
verse for the day:
"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is them kingdom of heaven." [matthew 5:3-10]

20 going on 30

2006-08-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

i think i just aged 10 years these past few weeks. i failed a pharma exam on my birthday (whooopee); flunked two quizzes despite ample time for study and genuine interest in the subject matter; got yelled at by a consultant during a practical exam for not identifying that blasted diastolic murmur; took a 200-item cardiology exam that should have made sense (because i know i studied to the point of death), but didn't. when they said studying medicine in up-pgh is a humbling experience, they must have meant "humiliating." i honestly wished the earth would just swallow me up and be done with it. however, when i'd wake up the next morning (after a night of restless sleep), i'd find that i'm still alive, forced to take on another day of lectures, exams, wardworks and preceptorials. i've never felt so exhausted in my entire life.

the sad thing is, i don't want to quit. my heart tells me "no," but more importantly, my God tells me "NO WAY!" i'm stuck here, and i like it. and no, i'm not insane.

if there's anything i learned for the past few months, it's not how a bee sting causes anaphylactic shock in a hypersensitive person. it's not why some people die of blocked arteries and others don't. it's not what disease damages which organ while manifesting which signs that can be cured by which drug/s. it's that i'm only a mere human being suddenly capable of knowing and doing great things because my Father gives me the strength, the wisdom and the patience.

i found this quote in a Christian site. according to julio ruibal "our greatest victories are won on our knees and with empty stomachs." it is during the most difficult of times when we swallow our pride and ask for His help.

tama na nga. inaantok na ako. until next time.

verse for the day:
i lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber. [psalms 121:1-3]

a break from pharma

2006-07-13T11:25:00.000+08:00

in the midst of all the chaos that is medicine, i got this:

but He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 corinthians 20: 19-10

something to think about, no? :)

my brain is easily friable

2006-07-02T18:53:00.000+08:00

classes started too fast, too soon. summer was only a month ago, but it seemed like ages. thanks to hs 202 (a mish-mash of pathology, microbiology and parasitology), i feel like i've been studying for a year! my exam is tomorrow, and i've read 10 or so seemingly never-ending chapters of 3 books and so many lecture transcriptions that i have lost count. i haven't been sleeping well for 3 weeks. all my weekends were jam-packed with reading and, hopefully, understanding. and all this for what? rarrrr...

it would be so easy to say, "i give up!" but i refuse to. my family and i have sacrificed too much for this. besides, whenever i feel like quitting, i feel God's comforting hug. suddenly, i feel the urge to go on. sige Lord, basta med ang gusto mo para sa akin, kakayanin.

verse for the day:
"whoever serves Me must follow Me; and where I am, My servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves Me." [john 12:26]

reviews/rants/okray

2006-05-18T22:34:00.000+08:00

the movie, "the da vinci code," premiered in the philippines today, and my friends and i caught the first screening in galleria. goodness, they had six (yes, six!) cinemas showing the movie. upon entering the cinema, giselle got pulled aside for a rather lengthy interview. they also started it wonderfully with the question, "are you Christian OR Catholic?" *rolls eyes* what happened to the Moslems? the movie is controversial to them as well because it attacks Jesus, one of their greatest prophets. why not ask what they think? also, why separate the Catholic from the Christian? Catholics are technically Christians because Catholicism is a sect of Christianity. hay naku...

like all other hyped-up movies in the past, "the da vinci code" did not deliver. it had some good moments (i loved how sir ian mckellen portrayed teabing!), but not enough. in the words of simon cowell, "it lacked the x-factor. it wasn't bad, but it was just okay."

speaking of american idol, i was crushed to see elliot yamin go tonight. he proved to be *the* underdog of the competition. true, last night wasn't his best, but he was always better than katharine mcphee. why don't i like katharine? because she tends (okay, loves) to go overboard with her songs. she puts so much "ornaments" in her songs - runs, falsettos, multiple modulations, grace notes, etc. remember simon's apple pie comment? it made perfect sense! she could've done great if she just sang the damn melody. instead, we got a song which had everything in it that it just didn't make sense anymore. it's annoying!

highlights of the show last night were kat's "somewhere over the rainbow" and taylor's "you are so beautiful." kat very slightly oversang "somewhere," but not as much as her other songs. i guess that's why i liked it so much. taylor's performance was so amazing that it made me cry! go soul patrol! :D

from left to right: kat, patty, giselle and yours truly

verse for the day (on the Bible):
blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near. [revelation 1:3]

licensed to kill... este... drive pala

2006-05-13T21:37:00.000+08:00

i got my non-professional driver's license yesterday. yay! anyone out there desperate for a free ride? please "hire" me because i need practice. haha.:P

grabe yung experience sa lto. ang habaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ng pila kasi marami na nga yung tao, kulang pa ng lto employees na mag-aasikaso sa kanila. yung iba, nakikipagdaldalan pa. nakakainis.

summer has finally come to an end courtesy of typhoon caloy. yay ulit! don't get me wrong. i love summer, but i love rain even more. watching the raindrops splatter on the window, and the lightning tear through the dark sky makes me feel all emotional and reflective. i also love the rainbow that emerges after an especially long storm. pag swerte ako, dalawa pa nga yung rainbows. but most importantly, my birthday is on the rainy season. pag umulan na, alam kong makakakuha na naman ako ng mga regalo. :)

which reminds me... advanced happy birthday ants!!!

verse for the day:
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [philippians 4:6-7]

when dust bunnies attack

2006-05-06T22:25:00.000+08:00

after two months of procrastinating, i finally decided to clean my room. i only do it twice a year (the cleaning, not the procrastinating): during summer and sem breaks. it takes careful planning and proper execution. you see, cleaning my room means emptying my closet, drawers, shelves and boxes of all of their contents; sweeping, vacuuming AND mopping the floor; rearranging the furniture; and fixing the huge mess i'’ve created in the process. it's almost like a renovation. :P

this little "activity"” turned out to be more fun this time around. i found a pair of slippers i thought was gone forever. i found and reread all five of my diaries -– i made my first one when i was 8. i found my preschool ID (gosh, i had really short hair). i got rid of half of the clothes in my closet, so that means i can go shopping again! i even discovered a rather large coin purse overflowing with change ready to be spent. after cleaning (and sneezing) through the entire day, i miraculously managed to return my room to its originally neat and dust-free state. mission accomplished!

sayang "after pic" lang yung meron ako

verse for the day (para sa mga palaaway tulad ko):
do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "it is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. on the contrary: "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. in doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." [romans 12:19-20]

summer fun

2006-04-24T21:04:00.000+08:00

from april 19 to 22, my family and i disappeared from the face of the earth. kidding. actually, we went to panglao island and stayed in bohol beach club. like boracay, panglao has miles of white sand and the clearest, bluest sea. unlike boracay, there was no crowd.

day 1: waiting for our plane was a nightmare. we came hours early just in case. as it turned out, we didn't need to. our flight was doomed to be delayed anyway. from 7:30 am to 1:00 pm, i amused myself by draining my ipod's battery, eating my second breakfast for the day and counting the number of flip flops worn by the endless sea of passengers. we did make it to bohol (eventually), but because of the hours worth of waiting, i fell asleep before enjoying the beach.

day 2: we took a tour of the very old churches of bohol, tarsiers, the chocolate hills, a butterfly sanctuary, and ate lunch while cruising the loboc river. that afternoon, my mom and i finally hit the beach. finally. :)

day 3: exhausted. i stayed in the room the entire day.

day 4: before leaving for manila, my dad and i tried out their pool. it wasn't anything special. :P

pictures!

sunrise at panglao island

did you know that tarsiers commit suicide if they're unhappy? :(

the not-so-chocolate hills

if you ignore that weird girl in yellow, you'll see that panglao beach really is as gorgeous as i say it is. ;)

verse for the day:
then God said (to man and woman), "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. they will be yours for food. and to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." and it was so. [genesis 1:29-30]

when things just don't go your way

2006-04-18T23:20:00.000+08:00

ang hirap palang magpigil ng luha nang dalawang oras. pero mas mahirap yatang umiyak nang isang oras lang.

bad day (daniel powter)

where is the moment we needed the most
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
they tell me your blue skies fade to grey
they tell me your passion's gone away
and I don't need no carryin' on

you stand in the line just to hit a new low
you're faking a smile with the coffee to go
you tell me your life's been way off line
you're falling to pieces everytime
ynd I don't need no carryin' on

chorus:
cause you had a bad day
you're taking one down
you sing a sad song just to turn it around
you say you don't know
you tell me don't lie
you work at a smile and you go for a ride
you had a bad day
the camera don't lie
you're coming back down and you really don't mind
you had a bad day
you had a bad day

well you need a blue sky holiday
the point is they laugh at what you say
and I don't need no carryin' on

{chorus}

sometimes the system goes on the blink
and the whole thing turns out wrong
you might not make it back and you know
that you could be well oh that strong
and I'm not wrong

so where is the passion when you need it the most
oh you and I
you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

{chorus}

you had a bad day

and i pray that was all it was - a bad day.

verse for the day:
"do not let your hearts be troubled. trust in God." [john 14:1]

primetime

2006-04-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

this week on american idol, the theme was country music. yuck. everyone sucked. and because everyone sucked, america decided to vote out mandisa. i guess that's one less reason to watch idol - aside from bucky, that sad excuse for a man everyone calls "ace", and katharine who i don't really like because she's terribly overrated. :(

star also aired the pilot episode of grey's anatomy. it's a drama-filled version of scrubs. the series follows the misadventures of a group of interns in seattle grace hospital. they make friends, backstab, heal, kill and sleep around. it's so twisted, you'd never believe it's real. but i loved it! i loved it because despite the protagonist's flaws, she is so compassionate. she's an intern who doesn't earn any money from what she's doing, goes on 72-hour duties, gets humiliated on a daily basis, and yet, she can still feel for her patients. amazing.

verse for the day:
"teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' this is the first and greatest commandment. and the second is like it: 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" [matthew 22:36-39]

15 important things i learned in med school

2006-04-03T15:14:00.000+08:00

1. one can pass an exam without ever reading the book/s.
2. it's possible to take 3 exams in one week without any sleep and pass all of them.
3. a med student being can survive without coffee. (i'm serious!)
4. it is possible to keep a snow-white uniform free of any kind of dirt even after running around in PGH.
5. failing an exam actually helps to ace (or at least do well in) the subject.
6. doctors *cough* obstetricians *cough* can be very nasty creatures.
7. screw those who say that crying is for weaklings. obviously, they never went to med school.
8. the human body is a freaking piece of art. O_o
9. there is nothing (and i mean nothing) more painful than giving birth. guys should worship women for the stuff we go through.
10. taking down notes helps.
11. it's possible to always be on time whether it's a 7:00 am lecture or 7:30 am wardwork after an all-nighter. (i'll never understand why people are always late >.<)
12. stress is baaaaaaaad...
13. nothing compares to the goodness of eating lots of chocolate after a neuro exam.
14. nobody can survive med school without friends.
15. the next few years of med school will be much harder, but there is absolutely no reason to fear. :)

verse for the day:
"for nothing is impossible with God." [luke 1:37]

compre blues + a bit of vanity

2006-03-25T00:49:00.000+08:00

yesterday, we had a 200-item exam on everything we learned for the entire first year of med school. imagine, piles of readings and books all stuffed in 200 questions. they said the comprehensive exam "is only for evaluating the effectiveness of this new learning style upcm decided to adapt. after reading all of our past exams this year, i have reached two conclusions: (1) we took a lot of exams, and (2) i didn't need the compre to tell me that i learned nothing. the sad reality is that after studying nonstop since june of last year, i retained not one bit of anatomy, physiology, biochemistry, histology, ob, pedia, geria...

on a much lighter note, i got a haircut! it's amazing how a few inches of hair can take a huge load off the neck. my head feels lighter, i can feel breezes on my neck again, and i look younger! :)

my mortal enemies

2006-03-21T21:21:00.000+08:00

first year in med school has come and gone. i have emerged alive, though not exactly unscathed. i will forever be haunted by my first dissection, loooooooong exams we have to answer in the shortest times, microscopes, my humongous text books, mondays, getting shouted at by consultants who just don't get any...

okay, enough about that. interested in taking up medicine in UP? here's what you're up against.

idc 202: a whole bunch of things i don't even remember.

hs 201: boring stuff. the philippine healthcare system, how it sucks and how we can probably make it suck less.

os 201: biochem. how our body breaks food into itty bits. people with weight issues should seriously take up biochem. it makes you understand nutrition a whole lot better.

os 202: neuroscience. the brain, spinal cord and nerves. it's hard. very hard.

os 203: dermatology and orthopedics (i think). the skin, the stuff that grow on it, the muscles, how they work... the best-looking doctors handle this subject. :P

os 204: head and neck. this region of the body has the MOST number of structures.

os 205: thorax. that means the chest.

os 206: abdomen. the stomach, liver, spleen, pancreas, intestines, kidneys, bladder, and of course, the reproductive system.

hd 201: embryology. from egg and sperm to full-term baby.

hd 202: pediatrics, family medicine, geriatrics. from full-term baby to oldie.

idc 211 and 211.1: research. writing papers, lab work, presentation. boring, complicated and very stress-inducing.

all this stuff and i made it. i love my God. :)

verse for the day:
"come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light." [matthew 11:28-30]

sick and hating it

2006-02-26T19:06:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how something so tiny can ruin a life of something much larger. i hate the virus that decided to enter my body last thursday, and is now wreaking havoc on my body systems. my throat's itchy, my nose still hasn't decided if it wants to be runny or stuffed with mucous. i sleep to forget i'm sick, but wake up to a throbbing headache. my voice is so nasal that my english sounds like french. my upper respiratory tract is all mucous and inflammation.

i can't eat. i can't sing. i can sleep, but regret doing it. worst of all, i can't study. my pedia exam is tomorrow and i can't study.

grrrrr...

it sucks being sick.

verse for the day:
"If My people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that My Name may be there forever. My eyes and My heart will always be there." [2 chronicles 7:14-16]

dear Lord, thank You for watching over my country. Amen.

l-o-v-e

2006-02-12T19:45:00.000+08:00

everyone has a definition for "love." love is affection. love is sexual attraction. love is an emotion. for others, it's an expression. love makes the world go round, yet some prefer that they live without it. love creates. it destroys. love is beautiful. love sucks. love is man's greatest weapon and at the same time, his weakness.

people think they're so clever. they think they can define love from experience. think about it. if the type of love you experience is beautiful, then you tend to describe it as something wonderful. the more negative definitions were most likely from people who felt little love from their family and friends. whoever said that love is sex probably experienced only sex in all of his or her relationships. with the various definitions of love, we end up concluding that love's meaning is different for each person. well it's not.

i wanted to know what love is, so i asked God. here's His answer:
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. [1 corinthians 13:4-7]

almost every Christian wedding uses this verse. did any of us really take time to understand it?

as if that wasn't enough, God gave me an even clearer definition:
whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. [1 john 4:3]

i thought i knew exactly what love is. as it turns out, i knew nothing.

lost

2006-01-22T18:00:00.000+08:00

for nearly three years i've been studying in the up-pgh complex. i've been doing wardwork for almost a year. i've been given numerous maps and tours around pgh. so why do i still get lost?

maybe it's the lousy architecture. maybe it's the identical corridors. all i know is that the moment i set foot on pgh, patients gravitate toward me for directions. (they have this notion that every person wearing a white uniform or colorful scrubs knows the location of every ward, department, comfort room and office.) as a responsible future doctor, i practice a very important value: honesty. i give a sheepish smile and tell them to ask someone else.

in fact, it's much easier to admit to the patient that i don't know where ward so-and-so is. what sucks is when i, myself, don't know where i'm going and have to ask for directions. the common response is a wry smile, a glance at my nameplate, then the directions i need.

it's funny how i'm able to stuff chapters and chapters of anatomy, physiology, biochemistry and histology into my head and not remember where the sports science department of pgh is. it's funny how i've been to lots of ward and have forgotten how i got there from the main gate. it's funny how i'm a medical student and don't know my way around my training hospital.

oh, and after three years, i realized only a few days ago that all odd-numbered wards are on the first floor and even-numbered ones except are on the second. when i triumphantly mentioned this to my classmate, she told me ward 14 is on the first floor. i just nodded.

i have no idea where ward 14 is.

verse for the day:
"what do you think? if a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? and if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. in the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost." [matthew 18:12-14]

movie review

2006-01-08T21:02:00.000+08:00

i watched my favorite book today.the lion, the witch and the wardrobe just recently came out at our side of the world, and our entire narnia-crazy family trooped down to gateway about two hours early just to catch it.

the verdict?

crush ko si peter!

now that's done and over with... i liked it. i read a few reviews that said it sucked. i don't think it was that bad at all. maganda talaga yung graphics. balita ko kay mik, the same people made the visual effects for lord of the rings. no wonder it's good. aslan was huge and furry. he also has qui-gon's voice. ;) ang cute ng beavers! goodness, they're so big, fat and furry, and they talk!!! sayang hindi sila kumanta. jadis wasn't that scary. annoying, maybe. susan is still boring. tumalino nang konti, but still boring. edmund was... edmund. geez, i can't explain it. basta magaling yung kid who played him. lucy was adorable. there's this part that she blows a raspberry at edmund kasi inaasar siya. cute. and peter... well, yun na nga. :P

of course, the book is still better than the movie. pero considering na die-hard narnia fan ako (i read the whole series 10 times over and watched the pinoy musicale twice), i found the lion the witch and the wardrobe pretty good. definitely worth the wait.

so when's the sequel coming out? :)

verse for the day:
just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and He will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for Him. [hebrews 9:27-28]

my crazy christmas break

2006-01-01T23:11:00.000+08:00

what better way to tell a story than showing pics? :)

funny christmas faces in san luis

different people, same weird faces

models? nah... just the photogenic ladies of the ncuc choir

the highlight of our new year's eve party: opening the damn wine bottle for 30 minutes using 4 different tools (3 corkscrews and a vice grip) with 4 people tugging

greeting the new year with a toast

our dinner :D

right before duking it out in gitarooman

my vacation in a nutshell *bow*

verse for the day:
for I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." [jeremiah 29:11]

busy again, as usual

2005-12-22T23:40:00.000+08:00

i did not stop blogging because nothing was happening. i stopped because too many things were happening at a dizzying rate.

after weeks of exhausting singing practices, our class finally performed (for the first time!) in the tao rin pala chorale competition. did we win? not by a long shot. what was fun was that i got to bully imed kiddies, upperclassmen and even doctors because of the name tag hanging on my neck reading "floor manager." mwahahaha... kahit lowly freshie at mss applicant lang ako, i still have power! :D

the day after that, we rushed to makati to meet our relatives from the states and canada. we all stayed at shangri-la for the weekend and ate in the biggest buffet i have ever seen. it was there that i saw my first... chocolate fountain!
the 12th was the date of tita bing's wedding (kaya nga umuwi sa pinas ang buong angkan). the reception was from 5:30 to 10 pm. there was lots of food, toasts, dancing and of course, pictures.

yes, my cousins are all camera-loving like me.
as for the academic portion of my life, we did our very first run of sds-page (a complicated process involving gels, proteins, electricity and stains). the gel did not come out pretty, but at least we got our results. the picture below is our sad excuse for a gel - the result of almost one week of preparation. this is exactly why i will never go into research.

verse for the day:
and there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. but the angel said to them, "do not be afraid. i bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. today in the town of david a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord." [luke 2:8-11]

and that, folks, is what this holiday is all about. merry christmas!Ü

back in abelardo hall

2005-11-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

despite the frequent pangs of guilt, i decided to watch the up cherubim and seraphim concert at the expense of my last exam in neuro. i did have a whole lot of fun, so i guess it's okay.

the choir sounded really good, and their uniform reminded me of fruit-flavored mentos candy.

plus, i got to see some very good friends whom i haven't seen in ages.

so yeah, i did have fun.Ü

verse for the day:
shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music; make music to the Lord with the harp, with the harp and the sound of singing, with trumpets and the blast of the ram's horn - shout for joy before the Lord, the King. [psalm 98:4-6]

a short story

2005-11-12T23:31:00.000+08:00

it was a rainy afternoon and classes ended earlier than expected. ants and i were on our way to the registrar to enroll when he suddenly stopped, and pointed to a tiny ball of fur on the sidewalk. it was a kitten, trying desperately to warm itself by curling up. he found it cute, though pitiful. i found it depressing. i never really adored cats, but the sight of the poor, wet kitten broke my heart. after enrolling, i dragged ants (though he hardly resisted) to a convenience store to buy a small, pink towel. we went back to the kitten, dried her up and wrapped her in the bimpo. i went home feeling better.

the next morning, i passed by the kitten's spot. she was still there, all bundled up. i only realized that afternoon that the only reason the kitten never moved was because she was too weak. before going home to quezon city, i called mama and begged her to let me take the kitten home. i thought i could nurse her back to health. when mama saw the kitten, she noted the abnormal breathing. the kitten was dying. after a few minutes of listening to her agonizing gasps (i could just imagine people breathing the same way), she suddenly stopped breathing. no amount of nudging could make her breathe again.

i don't think i can be a doctor. i cried for a cat i hardly knew. in a few years, i'll be having real people dying in front of me. what are the chances that i'll cry for them too?

---

hay... dudugo na yata ang utak ko sa neuro.

happy birthday ge!

verse for the day:
the righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. [psalm 34: 17-18]

research daw

2005-11-05T00:48:00.000+08:00

actually, we did write our research proposal. imagine, we were ambitious enough to cram what we should have done in one month into about 24 hours. kaya naman, di ba?

what actually happened: we started writing the actual proposal at 3:30 pm. yes, we spent the whole morning just talking about what to do. we divided the work to hasten the writing process. we watched tv, ate snacks and gabbed during the whole writing process. the verdict? it is now past 12 am and...

we're done. :D

verse for the day:
even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. [isaiah 40:31]

lola Ü

2005-11-02T22:08:00.000+08:00

to my lola who gave me countless hugs and kisses;
who spoiled me rotten with food, toys and clothes;
who gave me my first lesson in english grammar;
who taught me how to sing and play the piano;
who sewed an entire kimona-patadyong set just for my linggo ng wika presentation;
who read aloud countless books (complete with funny voices) just to amuse me;
who cooked the best kare-kare in the entire planet;
who absolutely loved dressing her grandchildren up;
who threw "slumber parties" for me and my cousins just so she could be with us more;

to my lola whom i still miss very much...

happy birthday.

verse for the day (for the materialistic people of the 21st century):
keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

almost two weeks in one post... right

2005-11-01T21:49:00.000+08:00

ah, the thrill of doing so much... it's all coming back to me. :D

october 22 was enchanted kingdom day. naging bata ulit kaming apat nina mik, ate cissy and kuya omar. we rode all the "big rides," though i begged off when it was time for the space shuttle. i still hate roller coasters. >.< grabe yung rio grande. no one in our raft was spared. hindi halata sa pic, but we were drenched from head to toe. i was literally itching to take a bath... despite the rapid deterioration of the park (fading paint, murky waters, lousy food, small staff size, etc.), the experience was still enjoyable. pag bata ka nga naman... :P

nung october 27, we went to divisoria to do our Christmas shopping. akala mo ang mura na ng finds sa tiangge at greenhills. pag punta mo sa divisoria, you see the same stuff for half the price! shoving past hundreds of people, getting wet in a slight shower and riding the lrt while carrying everything we bought just added to the fun experience. ang saya! i'm definitely going back next year.

last saturday, grandma came home from the states. that evening, the five of us, along with two of mama's relatives, ate a rather expensive dinner in bocarinos, a restaurant in the new world renaissance hotel. we celebrated three things that night: mik's birthday, my parents' wedding anniversary and grandma's arrival. the food was great, but what's so blog-worthy of restaurant was their knives. weird, di ba? pero cute.

we went to the cemetery this morning to visit my grandfather's grave. just when we were about to leave, biglang bumuhos ang ulan. what luck. grandma said her relatives used to tell her that rain on the 1st of november symbolized the tears shed by the departed. it's funny that they should cry when they're as happy as can be up there. we're the ones who should cry, being stuck in this horrible place. thank goodness for family, friends and God. i'd go insane if not for them/you. :)

verse for the day:
there are three things that remain - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. [1 corinthians 13:13]

just wanted to say...

2005-10-21T22:40:00.000+08:00

happy birthday mik!!!

online gift ko. ahihi... made it myself. :)

nostalgia

2005-10-16T22:37:00.000+08:00

my mom made me do something i should have done weeks ago... sort out the humongous pile of toys in the basement bodega. to keep, or not to keep? that is the question. first of all, the pile was really huge. second, i hate parting with things. everything seems to have a sentimental value for me. i had no choice, however. with the help of my ever-reliable brother (and mama, of course) i was able to finish the seemingly impossible chore just in time to squeeze in a few more games of star wars battlefront before bedtime.

sorting through our toys made me realize so many things. i miss the times when my sole purpose for going to the grocery store was to buy batteries for the ballroom lights of my polly pocket mansion. i miss the times when my "clothes dilemma" involved what barbie should wear to teresa's party. i miss the times when "cooking" meant tossing fake, plastic carrots, cabbage, meat and tomatoes into a flowered pot. i miss the times when self-defense meant wielding a sai or katana alongside my bro, "michelangelo," against the evil shredder. i miss the times when my brother and i were "mayors" of our lego town. i miss the innocence, the optimism, the idealism, the creativity, the simplicity - the sheer joy of being a child.

mik keeps telling me i'm too k.j. nowadays. it's true. before our sem break, i'd go home on friday nights, lock myself up in my room to study, go downstairs to eat, study again, then leave for manila on sundays. i avoided the ps2 like a plague. i stopped making up adventure stories with him like i used to. i talk, act and worse, worry like a full-grown adult.

take note that i said "like a full-grown adult." i still whine like a baby. besides, barbie still has more clothes than i do. :P

verse for the day:
but jesus called the little children to him and said, "let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. i tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." [luke 18: 16-17]

baptism by fire

2005-10-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

wow, had my first driving lesson this morning. it really is such an experience. ika nga ni ants, "baptism by fire." (hence, the title)

i was a nervous wreck the whole morning. i was so scared of hitting hard-headed pedestrians, stray dogs, insane jeepney drivers, innocent trees... anything. sure, the car was insured... but i'm not sure if i am. i don't wanna die!!!!!

judgment time came sooner than i hoped to. i followed my instructor to the garage. he pointed to a car - a toyota altis, i believe. i wrinkled my forehead. i knew i asked for a lesson in driving a manual car. the altis was automatic, right? i tried checking the stick shift through the window. "not that one," he called to me. he pointed to a toyota revo next to the altis. "this one." let me tell you, nanlaki yung mga mata ko. hoy, maliit na babae lang ako. pang-kotse ako, tapos revo ang ipapamaneho niya sa akin?!?

but it turned out okay. even though the first road i drove through was a main road, i survived. the "car" died about five to six times. i noticed that whenever it died, the instructor lost no time in restarting it. ang galing, halatang sobrang sanay na namamatayan ng makina. i also turned before i should have, almost plunging ourselves into a shallow canal. everytime i'd brake, i'd hit it too hard, too fast, and the poor revo would lurch. if i'd accelerate from a full stop, i'd fully release the clutch, instantly killing the engine. tsk, i have so much to learn.

point of story: i did not hit any vehicles, people, animals, plants or inanimate objects. i also did not die. one session down, nine more to go. kaya ko 'to. :D

---

ang galing, i got this email from daddy. i think we can all learn from our very own miss international: precious lara quigaman.

Miss International - THE WINNING ANSWER
q: "what do you say to the people of the world who have typecasted filipinos as nannies?"
a: "i take no offense on being typecasted as a nanny. but i do take offense that the educated people of the world have somehow denigrated the true sense and meaning of what a nanny is. let me tell you what she is. she is someone who gives more than she takes. she is someone you trust to look after the very people most precious to you - your child, the elderly, yourself. she is the one who has made a living out of caring and loving other people. so to those who have typecasted us as nannies, thank you. it is a testament to the loving and caring culture of the filipino people. and for that, i am forever proud and grateful of my roots and culture."

needless to say, she received a deafening applause from the audience.

now ask yourself this: have you heard anything as patriotic or heartwarming from any of our useless politicians?
i rest my case. :P

verse for the day:
"if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times he comes back to you and says, 'i repent,' forgive him." [luke 17:3]

oh... stuff

2005-10-11T23:08:00.000+08:00

dapat ganitong quizzes ang binibigay sa med eh. :P

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posses all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... And make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

haha... as if naman...

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100%

Punctuation: 100%

Spelling: 100%

Vocabulary: 40%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

ang bano ng vocab ko... :P

You Are a Beagle Puppy

Cheerful, energetic, and happy-go-lucky.
And your sense of smell is absolutely amazing!

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

awwwww... ang cute ng beagle! di ba beagle si snoopy?

---

"how many times have you sat in the grass and done nothing?" this thought-provoking question came at exactly the right time: smack dab in the middle of my busy semester. today, i was finally able to do just that. there was no grass - only the cold, marble floor - but i guess it was enough. i did absolutely nothing, and boy, it sure was worth everything. :)

verse for the day: i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. i can do everything through Him who gives me strength. [philippians 4:12-13]

filipinos should read the Bible more often. we continue to complain when we are given so much.

death

2005-10-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

oh, don't think this post is morbid because it's not.

i lost a dear friend today. tita linda was my dad's secretary, but to me, she was so much more. she was my yaya whenever my dad - an orthopedic surgeon - would leave me in his clinic to operate on some poor person who broke his or her bones. she would buy me french fries from the mcdo below the hospital for my merienda be it morning, afternoon or evening. she held my hand and whispered words of comfort as i tearfully awaited my mother to emerge from her biopsy (they found a lump in my mama's breast which, by God's grace, turned out to be benign).

last wednesday, we visited her in the hospital. her kidneys were already failing pero may konting lakas pa siya nun. tinatarayan pa niya yung mga nurses at interns na nang-iinterview sa kanya. before leaving, i kissed her goodbye. i knew that would be the last time i'd see her alive. kagabi, nag-comatose na siya. this morning, she peacefully passed away.

magkasama kami nina mama at papa sa kotse kanina, nagkukwentuhan. katabi kasi nila si tita linda sa huli niyang sampung minuto. wala na raw pupillary reflex nung tinapatan ni mama ng penlight ang mga mata ni tita linda. "pinag-aralan mo na ba yung pupillary light reflex?" tanong ni papa. *tungo* tapos kakaiba na raw yung breathing niya. something to do with encephalopathy daw. "eh yun, naaral mo na ba? pathology pa yun, di ba?" naisip ko yung nangyayari sa tao pag hindi na gumagana yung liver. umikot sa utak ko ang lahat ng inaral ko sa biochem (o kung ano na lang ang naaalala ko). tapos naisip ko yung nararamdaman ni tita linda habang nagaganap yun. nanlabo ang paningin ko. masakit malaman ang pinagdadaanan ng pasyente. pero mas masakit malamang wala kang magagawa.

sabi ni mama sa akin, thankful siya dahil nasa magandang lugar na si tita linda. "are you?" tanong ko. nagkwento ulit si mama. last week, binisitahan daw si tita linda ng pari. tinanong siya kung gusto ba raw niyang magkumpisal. sabi niya, nagawa na raw niya. dumiretsyo na raw siya sa Diyos.

i guess i had nothing to worry about. she's so much happier now. basta wag lang niyang tarayan yung mga anghel dun. :P

---

let's continue to pray for the victims of the earthquake in south asia. the death toll is between 20,000 to 30,000.

verse for the day:
i will not leave you as orphans; i will come to you. before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. because i live, you also will live. on that day, you will realize that i am in my Father, and you are in me, and i am in you. [john 14:18-21]

still html illiterate

2005-10-09T22:15:00.000+08:00

finally, i decided to get a blog and actually make it. after six days of reading html tutoring websites, and practicing with my trusty laptop, i still don't understand an ounce of html. sigh, maybe someday...

i just finished reading the sixth harry potter book last night. i almost cried! para sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa, no, i won't reveal who died. basahin nyo na lang. ang lungkot talaga. i was hoping j.k. rowling would put this twist in the end to make things good again. fat chance. luckily, there was a bag of oreos nearby so my depression only lasted 10 minutes. may seventh book pa naman. there's this rule naman in childern's books that good must always win over evil in the end, right? right?

on to heavier things... let us all pray for the people of india and pakistan. there was an earthquake yesterday, about 7.6 in the richter scale. so far, the death toll is around 20,000. i heard from t.v. that some of the buildings that collapsed were schools. and because, for some strange reason, there were classes on a saturday, many children were trapped underneath piles of rubble. this kid is one of the lucky ones who survived. pray tayo for the victims and their families, okay? :)

verse for the day:
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. [matthew 5:4]