20 going on 30

i think i just aged 10 years these past few weeks. i failed a pharma exam on my birthday (whooopee); flunked two quizzes despite ample time for study and genuine interest in the subject matter; got yelled at by a consultant during a practical exam for not identifying that blasted diastolic murmur; took a 200-item cardiology exam that should have made sense (because i know i studied to the point of death), but didn't. when they said studying medicine in up-pgh is a humbling experience, they must have meant "humiliating." i honestly wished the earth would just swallow me up and be done with it. however, when i'd wake up the next morning (after a night of restless sleep), i'd find that i'm still alive, forced to take on another day of lectures, exams, wardworks and preceptorials. i've never felt so exhausted in my entire life.

the sad thing is, i don't want to quit. my heart tells me "no," but more importantly, my God tells me "NO WAY!" i'm stuck here, and i like it. and no, i'm not insane.

if there's anything i learned for the past few months, it's not how a bee sting causes anaphylactic shock in a hypersensitive person. it's not why some people die of blocked arteries and others don't. it's not what disease damages which organ while manifesting which signs that can be cured by which drug/s. it's that i'm only a mere human being suddenly capable of knowing and doing great things because my Father gives me the strength, the wisdom and the patience.

i found this quote in a Christian site. according to julio ruibal "our greatest victories are won on our knees and with empty stomachs." it is during the most difficult of times when we swallow our pride and ask for His help.

tama na nga. inaantok na ako. until next time.


verse for the day:
i lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber. [psalms 121:1-3]

time check: 11:49 PM