Sunday, May 01, 2011

happiness is

"i was admitted in the hospital for three days because of a high-grade fever that just won't go away. there's no way i'm going to subic."

my dear batchmate replies with a gentle scolding for my not sleeping and not eating, hence, my illness. it's the same old song since ward 9, NICU and pay, and i'm still not sleeping, still not eating.

and surprise, i'm still not happy.

it's been 4 months since i hopped on the pedia train, but i've been standing in line for a ticket since i was ten. why pedia? because i love kids! wrong. because kids love me! wrong again. why pedia? correct answer. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA.

so am i happy? no. will i ever be happy? i hope so. the people in the department are terrific. the patients inspire me to stay. but the feeling of being miserable, trapped, scared, frustrated doesn't go away. it sometimes hides behind that feeling of accomplishment when you send a once toxic patient home, when your senior praises you for something, when you pass a difficult exam, when your patient's mother comes to see you and thanks you profusely for simply doing your job.

but at the end of the day, as i look back on everything wonderful that has happened, the sadness returns. and it gets harder and harder to overcome as the days go on.

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